November 25, 1972

(The day before, Mother came out on her balcony for

 the November "darshan.")

How was it yesterday, on the balcony ?

(Mother returns the question) How was it?

I don't know.... Seemingly quite good, in any case!

Where were you?

At the door of Sujata's house, downstairs. And for you, how was it?

(long silence)

(Smiling) The apprenticeship of personal nonexistence.

I don't know....

It's difficult.

Yes.

A growing sensation that without the Divine there's no existence.

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Forgetting the Divine even for a minute is becoming catastrophic, you see.

Now and then, for a few seconds, the true beatific consciousness comes - but only now and then and for a few seconds. That's all. Otherwise, I am like this (gesture, fists clenched to stand firm in the struggle).

(silence)

And you?

I have a lot of difficulties with my outer consciousness. I seem

 to be unable to open it up.

(Mother vigorously nods her head)

And so it's very painful, you know, everything is very painful.

That's it, exactly that! One quite feels the inability of the outer consciousness to participate in the experience ... to be up to the mark.

Yes! Exactly, absolutely.

Well, that's my continuous condition.

How to ... ? And then once a day - once, twice, for a few seconds (tone of amazed wonder): "Oh! ..." And it's gone.

Is this ... this body to be left and another one built? I don't know.... It doesn't fit with.... I have not been told that it has to be that way.

No.

Although I haven't been told either that this body is capable of transformation. So I don't know.

But Sri Aurobindo did tell you that you would do the work.

(In a dubious tone:) Yes, he told me....

Because if you left, what would we do here? Truly, we are

 completely useless, there's nothing else to do but leave.

 Because the only place....

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But it has no desire to leave.

Yes, I know, Mother.

It doesn't know, that's all. And ... I can't exactly say I suffer but there's constant discomfort.

There's obviously discomfort for you, but for us, the only

moments we feel truly alive are those spent with you.

Oh, mon petit ... (Mother takes Satprem's hands).

It's true, the factual truth. I know the Grace it is to be here.

(long silence
holding Satprem's hands)

That is the conviction the body needs to have: that INDEED it serves some purpose. [[That is what Mother needed so much. When they closed Mother's door on me, they condemned her to death. It is the plain truth. But not one understood that, or even tried to. Not one. What was their heart made of then? ]]

Oh, but of course!... But of course, it does!

(silence)

You see, being here, with you, is the only moment when one

 feels ... ah, this is IT. IT, you know.

(Mother plunges in

 still holding Satprem's hands)

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