August 25, 1971
(Mother sits looking at Satprem for what seems a very long
time. Her left eye is still swollen.)
Something to ask?
Do you see something?
No, there’s nothing.
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(Mother remains absorbed for 40 minutes)
What would you like to say?
What is absorbing you like this?[[Approximately at that time, a former disciple, Rani Maitra, wife of the former chancellor of Benares University, was dying without Mother's knowing anything about it in her outer consciousness. ]]
(after a silence)
All the time, all the time, there is the “thought” of the Divine, but like a … a kind of — thirst to be and to understand. All mental notions seem artificial to me…. At times there is terrible anguish; at times there is perfect peace.
(long silence)
It’s strange, at times I have the impression that death makes much less of a change than we think, and at other times it’s totally incomprehensible…. Strange, it’s like the two extremes: sometimes, it barely makes a difference; the next time it’s a … something … what does death really mean?
I would rather not speak because…. It’s not something mentalized at all, so it doesn’t have any….
(silence)
I told you about those activities at night (I have no impression of sleeping, and yet the body is perfectly at rest), in which there are people who are living and people who are “dead” in ordinary language — and they are absolutely alike. Except that the living seem still to have egoistic reactions, which the others don’t have. But it’s … (fluid gesture)…. What to us is real doesn’t exist anymore. And it’s very concrete.
I am in a state where I know nothing, that’s all.
And so my one and only refuge is to sort of curl up in the Divine, you know…. As if….
To be You, that’s all. Do what You want with me, that’s all…. Not even like that (with words or thought), not even that.
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(silence)
It’s the transition from the old way of being, which is becoming more and more distant, to … the Divine does everything. For instance, even food has become pretty difficult, because the old way of eating seems more and more remote, and it is replaced by something … inexpressible. It’s inexpressible.
It’s as if you were standing on a ridge (gesture) and the least misstep would pitch you into a hole.
(silence)
Everything seems different, all the … everything seems so different. The nature of the relations with people is changing, the nature of everything is changing, but what? What?
(long silence)
It’s like being on the brink or point or … hanging in balance — a tremendous Power (there’s a tremendous power, I have some examples), and at the same time, an incredible helplessness.
I prefer not to speak because … because that’s not it. What one says is … (Mother nods her head).
(silence)
You know: it’s like being suspended between the most marvelous and the most vile. Like that.
(Mother remains absorbed a long while)
I don’t know how much time it will take….
I don’t even know where I am going — whether I am going towards transformation or towards the end. The consciousness is there (gesture above), it isn’t affected…. I don’t know…. But I am kept in this body (gesture of being held down strongly), as though it were willed that I remain in this consciousness. And then, all these cells become conscious, but…. Does it depend on having a form or not? I don’t know.
I am not in a condition where I can help others outwardly.
(Mother takes Satprem’s hands)
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At times the body feels it can last an eternity like this; at times it feels it may get dissolved any moment…. And all, all, is like that.
Well, we’ll see.
The Force, the Power is greater and greater, but … (I don’t know how to say it) but it’s not a personal power, not at all.
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