December 8, 1967
The only somewhat new thing is that the body is beginning to be a bit … restless at its decay. Before, it didn’t bother about it, it didn’t give it any thought; it knew it was going on, but … Now, it’s beginning to be bothered. So perhaps it’s a sign, I don’t know? It’s beginning to be bothered – not psychologically, but like this: when it receives a Command to do something and there is, not exactly an incapacity, but a limitation to the possibility, that starts its unhappiness. So I wondered …
Then at night it’s the same thing, it says, “Why such a whole long period of diminishing consciousness?”
Diminishing?
You understand, it’s happy and in what it regards as its normal state only when it’s fully conscious of and vibrating with the Presence. But in the night’s activities … (how can I explain?) it’s becoming more … more like something one is used to, you know, like a habit (gesture of a wave flowing); there’s no longer the joy of a vibrating observation, but a normal state of things, and it’s not happy with that: it wants the same intensity (vibrating gesture) to be there at night. For instance, it doesn’t tolerate the idea of fatigue, of the necessity of rest (although that never arises from the inconscient any longer), but rest as a sort of turning in on oneself, like that, to repair wear and tear – it doesn’t like that: there must be no wear and tear, there must be a constant adaptation to anything asked of it. Later, it will probably not even accept effort
Page 410
- there isn’t much "effort" left, but instead of effort, there’s a sort of conscious receptivity that enables it to do things; and there are constant examples to show that if this receptivity isn’t there, well, there’s an awkward movement, or an impossibility, things like that, but it … in the past, it used to feel that was unavoidable, but now it no longer wants it. Now it no longer wants it: things must not be like that. For example, to put something away or find it or do something, it sometimes feels a sense of difficulty (it’s never quite impossible because nothing is asked of it which is impossible), but at times it’s difficult – and a sense of displeasure comes over it. It feels that as an infirmity, as a lack of receptivity, you understand. Also the fact that it has become stooped: in the past it would say, "It’ll get corrected"; now it’s beginning to lose patience. That’s quite new. It began on November 24. Because it’s not a selfish turning in on itself, it’s not that, it’s not for itself, it’s … the sense of a lack of receptivity to the Force, of limitation arising from incapacity – it doesn’t like that anymore.
Page 411