November
November 4, 1964
(Mother points to a pile of papers on her table:) You see, it’s all like that, it’s a snowball. All my life it’s been like that with everything I touch, everything I do: it snowballs. So when it comes to material things, you’re absolutely deluged! And now my time is spent like that. Every day, ten, twenty people ask to see me – it’s impossible. And yet, as far as I can, I do it…. Those birthday cards … here alone there are 1,200 or 1,300 (in a year, that makes quite a few every day), but that’s nothing, there are all the people from outside, entire families! So every day I write twenty, twenty-five cards….
But one can’t say anything, it’s good. It’s good in the sense that there is a great change in people, they are all much more interested in Yoga, much more, and in an unexpected way. But then difficulties are increasing in proportion, and expenses also are increasing in proportion – that too snowballs!
I have noticed it since I was quite small, that’s how it works…. For instance, if I eat something (people are really very nice, they make me taste things, they send me all kinds of preparations – they think it interests me very much! – but they’re very nice), and if by mischance I happen to say, “Oh, it’s good,” instead of one, I get fifty!
It doesn’t matter, obviously, there is an outflow: all that I give is things I’ve received; all the money I have is money I’ve been given. That’s how it is, I act as an intermediary.
We should find the way to make time a little more elastic – oh, it can be done, it can be done. Obviously, the trouble is that we are still based on the mind’s mechanical organization, but if we had the suppleness to do a thing just when it needs to be done …
The difficulty is that one lives with others – I understand very well that those who wanted to follow the inner law, the Impulse from above every second, were obliged to withdraw, because then they depend only on themselves (they depend on themselves, on Nature, that is to say, on the rising and setting of the sun, and then on plants and animals – but those make no demands). But in a human life, you need set times to get up, to go to bed, to eat; especially for food: there are those who do the cooking…. It has its advantages: there were periods in my life when I lived all alone (not long ones, not for a long time, but I had some), well, during
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those periods, more often than not I would forget to eat and forget to sleep. That’s a drawback.
But there is a great advantage….
* * *
(Mother goes into a deep meditation that will last forty-five minutes, then she speaks.)
Time passes like a second!
There is a solidity in the atmosphere, no? Do you feel it? Like the solidity of a presence.
Like a second.
(silence)
For the first time yesterday, I had in a flash – it lasted just a flash – for the first time in my life, I had the PHYSICAL experience of the Supreme’s presence in a personal form.
It wasn’t a defined form, but it was a personal form. And it came in the wake of a series of experiences in which I saw the different attitudes of different categories of people or thinkers, according to their conviction. And it came as if that form were saying to my body (it was a PHYSICAL presence), as if it were saying, really with words (it was a translation; the words are always a translation – I don’t know what language the Supreme speaks (!), but it is translated, it must be translated in everyone’s brain according to his own language), as if He were telling me, “Through you” (that is, through this, the body) “I am charging …” (it was like a conquest, a battle), “I am charging to conquer the physical world.” That’s how it was. And the sensation was really of an all-powerful Being whose proportions were like ours, but who was everywhere at once, and really of a physical “charge” to chase away all the dark little demons of Ignorance, and those little demons were like black vibrations. But He had something like a form, a color … and above all, there was a contact – a contact, a sensation. That’s the first time.
I have never tried to see a personal form, and it always seemed to me an impossibility, as if it were childishness and a diminishing; but this came quite unexpectedly, spontaneously, stunningly: a flash. I was so astonished…. The astonishment made it go away.
The first time in my life.
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It was a physical presence, with a form, but a form … It was odd, it was a form … As soon as you try to describe it, it seems difficult. But I still have the memory of having seen a sort of form with a quite special – but MATERIAL – light and quality, and which … Yes, maybe it is (Mother looks silently) … maybe that is the form of the supramental being?… It was very young, but with such power! A power, almost a muscular power (but there were no “muscles”), and there was a charge: he literally charged down on people and things, and everything was immediately scattered and upset. And he laughed! He laughed, there was such joy! A joy, a laughter, and, yes, he said, “Through you …” (it was through my physical presence), “I am charging … ,” I am charging down on Darkness or Falsehood, or whatever – words come afterwards and spoil everything – but the idea was … (no, it wasn’t an idea, it was something that was said). It lasted just long enough for me to notice it – a flash. Then I said, “Ah!…” I had, you know, that reaction of astonishment.
The first time – completely unexpected.
And now, during the whole meditation, the presence was there, that presence was there, but so concrete! So concrete, so powerful. Maybe it is … maybe there is a will to make me see the supramental form? It’s possible. It was PHYSICAL – it was physical. And there was that CONTACT, the physical contact. But the contact, I have it all the time – as soon as I stop, there is a massive contact, and weightless at the same time.
Didn’t you feel anything particular?
Yes, I feel this massive thing present.
A presence.
Yes, very strong.
That’s right. Oh! …
Yes, it’s like what you can see in a flash. It was a form – a form derived from the human form; it wasn’t something that contrasted sharply with the human form, but it had something the human form doesn’t have: a suppleness and power in the movement. And it was radiant, a little radiant, as though it emanated a little light; but not something that gives you the feeling of the supernatural: not like apparitions in paintings, not that – it was material, it was …
It’s the first time. I was sitting like this, as I was just now, the
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same thing, nothing particular. And it filled me with something inexpressible, a sense of fullness, of joy – of triumph, you know.
It was so brief that I didn’t intend to talk about it, because words … You’re always afraid of adding to the experience. But this presence was so concrete just now, during the meditation, and time passed so extraordinarily quickly, like a flash. And I had the same feeling, oh, such a fullness! …
He said (it was translated into words: I heard them, in what language I don’t know, but I understood very well), I heard the words and he said to me: “Through you, I am charging….” I am charging, as if he were launching into a battle against the world’s Falsehood. “Through you, I am charging …,” that’s perfectly clear, and it was against … I saw little aggregates of black dots being scattered.
But at that moment, I felt something like the representation of certain states of mind, certain intellectual conditions, a whole series of things that represented doubts, negations, ignorant attitudes, revolts … and all at once, this came.
And I still see the form I saw: like that, as if he were launching into battle – but only what you can see in a flash.
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