February 13, 1964
(Satprem kept note of the following conversation despite its episodic character, for it is, alas, a good illustration of the kind of innumerable microscopic “avalanches” that assailed Mother from every side, daily.)
H. was so very vexed because I had this work done by Sujata that she has broken off all relations with me! … Except that she sends me letters of abuse every day!
She wrote that she will no longer have anything to do with the work, with this, with that, with me, and she is sending everything back.
Vanity….
I expected it a little…. You can’t think of such things in advance, but when I spoke to her I thought she was going to be
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pleased – oh, she almost flew into a rage! But in front of me, of course … I looked at her and went like this (Mother lowers her thumb): it stopped. But once she had gone, it was the end!
A jealous and vain character is hard to correct.
You see, when she tells me, “I want the Truth, I want the Divine,” I take it as sincere and act accordingly – but that gives her terrible thrashings! And I do absolutely nothing but take what she says at its face value. She says she “wants the Truth,” “wants the Divine,” that it is “the only thing she wants and nothing else.” So I act accordingly.
The result is that I have piles of letters with frightful insults: “Liar, hypocrite….” (Mother laughs) It isn’t the first time, she has those fits now and then. But after this letter, I received a sort of inner command to make one last attempt, and I wrote to her that it was HER SOUL that had asked me to act as I did. Because when I entrusted this work to Sujata instead of her, I had a moment of hesitation, then I went within to find out, and her soul exerted a very strong pressure for me to act in that way. I had always seen, at every minute, that her aspiration was constantly tainted with that vanity – she always puts on an act for others and for herself. I was waiting patiently for that vanity to go, but her soul wasn’t as patient – hers is a very beautiful soul (that’s the strange thing, you see, her soul is a very beautiful one), but at times she rejects it violently. So I wrote to tell her that now I had something serious to say to her, that it was her soul that had asked me to act in that way in order to break and conquer her ego’s vanity…. She says, “I don’t want my ego, I don’t want my ego …” but she identifies herself with it to such a degree that when she has those fits, she is the ego; when the fit is over, she clearly sees the difference. And at the end of my letter, I said, “Now, it is up to you to choose between Truth and falsehood” – it was a hurricane!
I am waiting till it’s over.
I am waiting.
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