December 19, 1962
(A few days earlier, Mother inaugurated the new music room built on the terrace near her room. Without informing her, the disciples had also built a balcony, in the hope that Mother would start giving “morning darshans” again, as she used to in the past.)
How are you feeling? Better or not?
Inwardly, yes, I’m all right.
Because the series continues; I mean everything everywhere seems to want to disintegrate: everything everywhere. But the Power is beginning to have an effect (that’s putting it poorly, it’s not exactly that …). It’s as though I were presented with every possible opportunity to use the Power and they’re not coming one
Page 457
after the other but all at once, almost like a lesson – in fact, to teach me how to do what needs to be done.
I have to admit that it always ends well, in that the Power always gets the upper hand, but it’s so (what’s the word?) … so repetitious, many-sided and coexistent that, you know, it feels a bit like charging along at a gallop for hours on end.
But I had an interesting experience the other day, when this new room was inaugurated. Those rascals set up a balcony! And there was such a crowd – in all the streets, on the rooftops – that I had no choice but to go out on the balcony…. And I realized that there has been a complete break between my life before and now, with that famous experience [[Of April 13, 1962. ]] as the dividing line: I have to make the same movement I make to summon up the memory of a past life! It was so concrete, I was flabbergasted. The same movement of consciousness as when you summon up a past life: it was as though I had to recall what I used to do on the balcony in my former life! I was teaching the body as if it had no idea what to do. I was calling back what had to be done from the depths of a subconscious memory. But it was not the same thing, since the doors were not the same, the setup was different, so it was a little bit complicated. But when I found myself at the edge of the balcony, I suddenly drew on something, and this came: “Here’s how it was, here’s what I used to do”; and once again the Presence was there. And the whole time I was standing on the balcony it was … it was better than before, much clearer – much clearer – the experiences are much simpler and much more absolute (when I know something, I know it better than before).
But in the past, you see, I used to go up and down the stairs four or five times a day; I would go out, go down the other stairs, it gave me some exercise. Nowadays I don’t get any exercise, except walking for half an hour twice a day, but that’s no substitute: my legs are a bit stiff from lack of exercise. So I didn’t feel like walking on the balcony like a puppet before of all those people waiting and wondering…. You see, more than three-quarters of them think I was very sick (Mother laughs), practically dying (that’s the form it takes in their consciousness). I couldn’t show them someone who seemed to be “emerging from a serious illness”! So I clearly saw I had to tell my body, “Now don’t walk like that! You’ve got to walk like this – this is how you used to walk.” And the body was listening like a little child. “You’re going to walk,” I
Page 458
had to tell it, “you’re going to walk like this.” And it started walking! … It was funny.
(Mother hands a box to Satprem) F. and R. have come and she brought me some candied chestnuts from Paris….
Oh, these are delicious…. Did you find any difference in people’s atmosphere?
They were slightly more aware of what it meant, that’s all. But that’s something they learned when I left – it’s always necessary to make people understand.
Will you do it again?
Later.
It was … difficult.
It was difficult and it attracts a lot of…. It’s like another type of exercise, as if my body were now being taught other kinds of things, another way of being, you understand, another way. And it’s trying to find a harmony, the equilibrium of a constant harmony. But it’s very, very, very difficult. It’s not at all the usual condition: in ordinary life, the cells are accustomed to a very restless and unexpected life, with ups and downs, peaks of intense sensation, now sorrow, now pleasure, now acute pain, now something very pleasant – all of this jumbled up in a sort of chaos. And I have realized that for the people here, even those near me, it’s even worse than that! This doesn’t make sense to me any more. On its own the body is naturally in a sort of gently undulating movement, a very harmonious, very peaceful, very quiet movement. And when it’s not forced into outer activity there’s such a wonderful sense of the divine Presence everywhere, everywhere – in it, around it, over it, in everything, everywhere … and so concrete! (Mother touches her hands, her arms, her face, as if she were bathing in the Lord.) It’s really inexpressible. And well, THAT’S what it wants to have ALL THE TIME, in all circumstances, even when it’s forced to have contacts with the outside. So I can’t go too quickly; things like the balcony cause a bit too much pressure, and the body starts feeling a little unsure of itself.
Yesterday, for instance, I had to see F. and R., since they had just arrived the day before. I spent three-quarters of an hour with them, and by the time it was over they had literally EMPTIED the atmosphere of all spiritual sense – it had become empty and
Page 459
hollow. It took me two or three minutes of concentration (which isn’t so long) to bring it all back to normal.
I haven’t seen much of that room, [[The music room, where Mother will henceforth receive people. ]] I haven’t been there often. I went to see what it was like for the first time the evening before the inauguration, and it gave me the feeling of something totally empty – you know, hollow and dry. It was so strong that the body felt like this (wavering gesture, as if Mother were losing her footing). That’s how the BODY felt, it’s not the consciousness; I am talking about the body-consciousness. The room seemed so hollow and empty that the body felt drained, as if all its force and consciousness had to spread out everywhere in order to fill up that emptiness.
The next day it wasn’t like that any more; the work had been done the day before, in one minute (it gets done very quickly, but in a very intense and violent way). I had purposely gone to the room the previous evening, to set things in order, and so the next day it was better, the work was already done. Then I sat down at the organ … it was much better than I expected. It was as if a formation were waiting, and as soon as I sat down it descended. Oh, a marvelous musical joy! I didn’t have to look – and when I wasn’t looking, I saw everything from within: all the notes, my hands, everything, with eyes closed. And so it descended … I was very happy. I must have played for a good twenty minutes.
After twenty minutes, something said, “That’s enough.” And I saw that it was enough for the body, that it shouldn’t exert itself further – the formation withdrew. I couldn’t have played a single note more! … It was very interesting. And I realized that, truly, the will that moves my body isn’t at all the same as before. Previously, it was the will of the being that had been placed into and formed in this body (it wasn’t personal but still very individual). While now it’s not that: it’s a Will somewhere (somewhere which is everywhere and in everything), a Will somewhere that decides, and when it says “Do,” the body does; when it says “No,” nothing in the world could make the body move. And so, that conscious “something” somewhere, which is like an intermediary between the higher Will and the body and its outer life, has to tell the body, “This is necessary.” The body never protests, because that which speaks knows VERY WELL. It says, “This is necessary,” all right, the body does it. But when it says, “That’s enough, now,” the body stops. Because (how can I express
Page 460
it?) … FOR THE BODY, the Most High knows better than the intermediary. In regard to circumstances and the vision of the work to be done, it’s all one; but for taking care of and educating the body, That (gesture on high) knows best. The intermediary doesn’t really care (!), but when That says “do,” it’s done; “finished,” and it’s finished. It’s very interesting.
Naturally, the whole crowd and the people around me kept asking, “Now that it’s all set up, when will there be balcony darshans again?” (Because when I came back inside I said, “So! You’ve built a balcony, have you?”). “When are we going to have them again?” So the intermediary said, “I don’t know, it’s not up to me.” Consternation! Then I kept very quiet for a little while, listening on high, and from high, high up there came, very slowly (it comes practically drop by drop because you have to do it VERY quietly – it comes drop by drop), what That said I had to reply: “Nothing definite.” I was told, “It depends.” It all depends – I clearly see that it all depends on the special work being done on my body and on the results of that work. And it isn’t formulated: I am not told, I am not told what’s going to happen; I am only told, “Here’s how it might be.” (Mother laughs) All right. “That’s fine,” I said.
But it was funny; it was really an experience, because had you asked me my impression beforehand (“my,” I mean what usually talks), my impression was that I just had to decide to go to the balcony and it would happen (the only impossibility I saw was finding time for it). But that’s not how it is, that’s not it AT ALL. It’s something else, utterly new, something I don’t know; I have absolutely no reference points, and … decisions are made on the highest level – only with regard to the body. I mean for the work in general, for the terrestrial vision and all that, there’s no difference: it’s seen, it’s known. But for this special thing in the body, I am not consulted.
I was really amused.
Well now, have you brought your book?
Read.
***
Page 461
After Satprem has read from his manuscript:
It’s very good, very good, excellent.
It’s just the impression I have now: what’s happening is something that has never happened before, and consequently, NOBODY can understand.
For instance, those who witness the phenomenon on a day-to-day basis (such as the doctor, for example) say, “I don’t understand. Oh, is that how it is? I don’t understand. Yes, of course, there are certain reasons….” When something happens, I ask him, “How do you account for this?” “I don’t know.” But if I tell him, “Well, I think I know what it depends on,” he stares at me as if to say, “Bats in her belfry!” So I don’t say anything. I tried two or three times, just to see – there’s no reaction, nobody understands, nobody!
Even if I speak to someone more intelligent or better informed…. Once or twice I said something to Pavitra, to see what would happen: he immediately dogmatizes, makes a mental principle out of it (consistent with Sri Aurobindo’s teaching, of course!). And it becomes something rigid, like a box. And he tries! He tries, he KNOWS he shouldn’t do that, but…. Which means one cannot understand unless one has the experience – you must have the experience of all this somewhere, mon petit, otherwise you couldn’t write about it!
But it’s Sri Aurobindo!
And interestingly enough, as I told you last time, it follows my body’s experience quite closely and regularly. There are so many sides to the problem, you see, so many ways of approaching the problem and attempting the transformation, and it [the book] seems to follow very, very well…. It’s interesting. Your book, and also my translation – and yet they are so different! But of course, the experience itself is very, very diverse, multifaceted, with all sorts of side roads or forks, tiny little signs on the way, simply as clues – a whole world!
And I see clearly that trying to formulate it would spoil everything. You really can’t formulate a curve until you come to the end of it – otherwise, you spoil its course.
But it’s very interesting.
Well.
Au revoir, mon petit; it’s good – it’s going well. That’s what Sri Aurobindo told me a few days ago (I spent two hours with him
Page 462
at night, with all sorts of very interesting things happening). He told me (in his joking way), “You see! I’ve got him doing the book that makes him progress.” So I said, “Good.” Because he has been there all along since you embarked on this book, and he seems to be guiding you according to a plan he has worked out. That’s what he told me. I have seen him with you very frequently (as I’ve told you), but the other day he told me this positively.
It’s good. It’s very good this time.
Page 463