May 30, 1961
After working:
And you? What’s new?
I don’t know very well where I stand.
Oh, it’s best not to know!
Personally I have stopped – I have stopped trying to know. With the stubbornness of a child, I keep repeating to the Lord, ‘It’s time You change all this!’
There are moments, you know, when you want to weep – which is idiotic! So you surrender it all to the Lord: ‘I leave this work to You – do what You will, as You will, when You will.’
And I try to be as tranquil as I can (Mother makes a gesture of mental immobility), but when you do so, you become aware of … oh, it’s like a swarm of flies coming – from here, from there, from above, from below, oh … coming and coming and coming!
It’s probably worse for me than for others because of all these people around me, clinging like leeches. But even for an ordinary being it is … a swarm; it keeps on coming and coming – you would need to spend all your time fanning it away!
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