April 15, 1961
I am in a state that is … how can I put it? … Non-existent.
Nonexistent because ….
I would rather say nothing. Let’s work.
*
(Later, after the work:)
All kinds of things are coming up from the subconscient. We seem to be constantly descending instead of ascending.
Oh, the subconscient! Every night it’s a real invasion of things that are so … the WHOLE subconscient keeps coming up, coming up, coming up – not just mine but everybody’s. There seems to be no end to it.
But now I have the knack of forgetting – I just forget. Because when I used to remember, I had to fight for entire days. So as soon as I wake up, I erase it right away: go away! Gone!
But all night long I am fully conscious of a lot of things – they can’t be called trivial, but…. Oh, it’s as though everything that can comes to tell me: ‘You think there will be a supramental transformation? Well then, just look: there is this and that and that and this, this one and that one, this circumstance, that thing, the world, people, things….’ Oh, a deluge!
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And in the evening before going to sleep I read the Vedas, which aggravates the situation. Because those people remember – either they have heard of it, or they remember it themselves – a supramental realization; and they describe it all so beautifully that it makes you feel very far from it, so very, very far….
After that, I spend hours concentrated in prayer – not exactly ‘prayer’ but … (gesture palms turned upwards), like that, beseeching.
What has been achieved now is that I am absolutely detached from EVERYTHING. From everything, beginning with my body and including the work, ideas, conceptions, even the … [people], all, all of them. It all seems to me so utterly … dull and nonexistent.
Before, I used to find joy in a beautiful idea or a beautiful experience – all that is finished. I am in a state where nothing, absolutely nothing has any value except ONE SINGLE THING.
(silence)
I could say something formidable … (Mother is about to speak, then restrains herself). But it’s not true, it’s not like that. If I say it, it will become something else.
It’s better to say nothing.
But don’t let that discourage you.
Oh, you know, nothing is very encouraging, either!
No, but it’s obviously indispensable.
I feel that I’ve never been as low as I am now.
Low? No, you aren’t low – I see you too, among the things I am looking at, and it isn’t true. No, you are much better than you were! (Mother laughs)
(silence)
But you know, what seems to have gone is all this illusory enthusiasm we confuse with…. Sri Aurobindo speaks of it very often, and each time I read that sentence of his it’s like an icy shower (Mother laughs). I no longer know the exact wording, but he uses two words: illusory hopes … all the human illusory hopes. It goes plunk! Well, all that has entirely gone. When I saw it I
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deliberately rejected it. ‘Yes,’ I said to myself, ‘we are always trying to cheer ourselves up with hopes….’
(Mother turns towards the tape recorder) Don’t keep all that. It’s not worth it, don’t keep it. It’s quite useless. Take it out.
This is merely a passing phase, that’s all.
*
(Just before leaving)
If I could remain quiet like this for hours on end, without letters, without … oh, without seeing people! Would it perhaps go more quickly? … I don’t know.
Why don’t you take a break for a while?
I can’t.
Take a real break for some time, and then….
It’s impossible. I can’t. Even two years ago, when I was really sick and took to my room for the first time, I couldn’t let the work go. I can’t do it. It’s not possible.
But surely there are things you could cut down?
Yes, if I could cut down a bit it would help.
(long silence)
Ah, petit! … (Mother remains absorbed for a long time.)
On the 24th, how long will it be? … Forty-one years since I came here. And I haven’t moved since.
It’s really strange: there is no space between that time and now. I don’t know how to explain it…. I have no feeling of time, none at all, none.
(long silence)
I live in the constant feeling of PUSHING against a world of tremendous obstacles, with the certainty that – suddenly – the resistance will give way … and there will be enlightenment – no, far more than that!
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That’s all.
I have become only this (Mother slowly moves her arm forward with clenched fist, as if to show all her force tensed and pushing, inexorably pushing).
(Mother gets up)
All night long and whenever my attention is not being drawn away by something or other – and even then, it’s there as if behind a veil – I am nothing but a force that pushes. That’s what I have become.
(silence)
Don’t worry. You definitely haven’t gotten worse.
Oh, I feel we are constantly betraying – betraying you.
Betraying? Oh … I also feel that I am betraying myself, so you see! …
Actually it is because, without knowing it, you are becoming aware of the true Self, and that awareness always produces a sense of betrayal. But it’s neither ‘you’ nor 1′ nor ‘he’ nor anything other than THAT which is being betrayed. All that we are is a betrayal of That. This is what it is. And we are constantly pushing, pushing, pushing to go beyond.
It’s all right. Don’t worry. When you are a little upset, you only have to think: Oh, Mother is here, and she will do the work.
And don’t have any more toothaches. I don’t like you to have toothaches!
(silence)
Good-bye, petit. Just be very, very quiet.
Things are moving … that’s all.
We are all moving.
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