Undated May (?) 1960
(Letter to Mother from Satprem)
Pondicherry
Mother,
You sent me this flower, ‘Vital Collaboration.’ I am taking this opportunity to tell you something which has been weighing on my heart for years and which, naturally, comes back up whenever things go badly.
I have been here seven years and I can’t count a single concrete experience, not a single vision (the only things that have ever happened were in Ceylon or Rameswaram). I haven’t even managed to have a few slightly conscious nights.
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Isn’t this reason enough to be discouraged? In any case, these questions are stirring in me – and the vital is not happy [nor the mental, nor the physical].
Excuse me if I speak too frankly.
Signed: Satprem
June 3, 1960
(Letter to Mother from Satprem)
Pondicherry, June 3, 1960
Sweet Mother,
I’m a bit discouraged. Every night I slip into a black abyss from which I wake up in the morning drained. Not one second of conscious sleep. It takes me an hour to recuperate from my ‘sleep’. In fact, I am constantly ‘on edge’ and the least thing exhausts my body.
But that’s nothing. I would bear all the exhaustion quite willingly if there were at least a touch of something conscious. But nothing, as if I were as thick as a Paris concierge!
Mother, there is hardly an instant of my conscious life that I am not aspiring for ‘more consciousness’ – but there’s still this abyss I slip into at night, as if nothing existed!
Pardon my “rumblings. If only at least I knew what I could do to change all this.
Your child,
Signed: Satprem
(Mother’s reply)
Sunday afternoon
My dear child,
The best rest is to enter into the inner silence for a few moments.
Blessings.
Signed: Mother
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ISBN 2-902776-33-0