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January 2, 1915
ANY idea, however powerful, however profound it be, if repeated too often, expressed too constantly, becomes dull, insipid, valueless…The highest concepts lose their bloom after a time, and the intelligence which delighted in transcendent speculations feels suddenly an imperious need to give up all its reasoning and its philosophy, and con- template life with the marvelling gaze of a child, caring no more to know anything of its past science, even though it were a science sovereignly divine. It is true to say that the divisions of time are purely arbitrary, that the date assigned to the renewal of the year varies according to latitudes, climate, habits, and is purely conventional. This is the mental attitude which smiles at the childishness of man and wishes to leave itself under the guidance of deeper truths. And then suddenly the mind itself feels its incapacity to translate exactly these truths, and, renouncing all wisdom of the kind, it lets the song of the heart arise, the heart which aspires, the heart for which every circumstance is an opportunity for an aspiration deeper, vaster and more intense.. .The occidental year renews. Why not profit by it to will with renewed ardour that this symbol may become a reality, and the things which lamentably were,. give place to those which must gloriously be? Always we believe that we can define Thee, and shut Thee up in our mental formulas; but however Page – 219 vast, complex, synthetic they may be. Thou wilt remain always the Ineffable, even for one who knows Thee and lives Thee… For one can live Thee even though unable to express Thee, can realise and be Thy infinity though unable to define or explain Thee, always Thou wilt remain the eternal mystery calling for all our wonder and marvelling, not only in Thy Transcendence, unthinkable and even unknowable, but in Thy universal manifestation, in all that we integrally are. Always forms of thought are succeeded by new forms ever purer, higher and more comprehensive, but never will any one of them be judged sufficient to give so much as an idea of what Thou art. Each new fact will be a new problem more marvellous and mysterious than all that preceded it. Yet, facing its ignorance and its powerlessness, the mental being remains luminous, calm and smiling, as if it possessed the supreme knowledge: to be Thou innumerably, invariably, infinitely, very simply.
MORE than ever before, the aspiration of the mental being rises towards Thee with a great fervour. The perception of infinity and eternity is ever there. But it is as if Thou hadst willed to cut me off Page – 220 from all religious joy, all spiritual ecstasy, so as to plunge me into the most strictly material circumstances. Everywhere, O Lord, is Thy perfect felicity, and nothing can take away from me the grandiose gift Thou hast made of it to me; in every place and in every circumstance it is with me; it is I, even as I am Thou. But all this is nothing in comparison with what ought to be. Thy will is that from the heart of this heavy and obscure Matter I must let loose the volcano of Thy Love and Light. It is Thy will that, breaking all old conventions of language, there must arise the right Word to express Thee, the Word that never was heard before; it is Thy will that the integral union should be made between the smallest things below and the sublimest and most vast above; and that is why, O Lord, cutting me off from all religious joy and spiritual ecstasy, depriving me of all freedom to concentrate exclusively on Thee, Thou hast said to me, "Work as an ordinary man in the midst of ordinary beings; learn to be nothing more than they are in all that is manifesting; associate with the integral way of their being; for, beyond all that they know, all that they are, thou earnest in thyself the torch of the eternal splendour which does not waver, and by associating with them, it is this thou wilt carry into their midst. Hast thou any need to enjoy this light so long as it spreads from thee? Is it necessary that thou shouldst feel my love vibrating in thee so long as thou givest it? Must thou enjoy integrally the bliss of my presence Page – 221 so long as thou servest as its intermediary among men?" May Thy will be integrally done, O Lord! It is my happiness and my law.
NOW, O Lord, things have changed. The time of rest and preparation is over. Thou hast willed that from a passive and contemplative, I become an active and realising servant; Thou hast willed that the joyful acceptance be transformed into a joyful combat, that in a constant and heroic effort against all that in the world opposes the accomplishment of Thy law in its purest and highest present expression, I recover the same peaceful and immutable poise which one possesses in a surrender to Thy law as it is working itself out at the moment, that is to say, without entering into a direct struggle with all that is opposed to it, drawing the best out of every circumstance and acting by contagion, example and slow infusion. In a combat partial and limited, but representative of the great terrestrial struggle. Thou art putting to the test my power, decision and courage, in order to see if I can truly be Thy servant. If the result of the battle shows that I am worthy of being the Page – 222 intermediary of Thy regenerating action. Thou wilt extend the field of the action. And if I always show myself to be at the height of what Thou expectest from me, a day will come, O Lord, when Thou wilt be upon the earth, and the whole earth will rise against Thee. But Thou wilt take the earth in Thy arms ad it will be transformed.
January 18, 19I5
LORD, hear my prayer… In me Thou art almighty, sovereign Master of my destiny, guide of my life, conqueror of all obstacles, triumphing over preconceived will and the fixed ideas of the mind. Perhaps to be all-powerful in the external world Thou hast need of the mediation of my mind, to organise and form the means of action, but if Thou canst make the instrument perfect, how can one doubt that the work will be accomplished? We must chase away very far all the evil shadows that suggest the contrary, and, full of an unshakable confidence in Thy Infinite mercy, I address to Thee this prayer: Transform Thy enemies into friends, Change the darkness into light. In this heroic and immense struggle, in this sublime struggle of love against hatred, of justice against Page – 223 injustice, of obedience to Thy supreme law against revolt, may I, little by little, make humanity worthy of a still more sublime peace in which all internal dissensions having ceased, the whole effort of man may unite to attain to a more and more perfect and integral realisation of Thy divine will and Thy progressive ideal.
O LORD, long I have remained silent before Thee in one of those inner prostrations full of an ardent adoration which end in a supreme identity…And as always. Thou hast said to me: "Turn thy regard towards the earth." And I saw all the ways wide open and radiant with a calm and pure light. In mute adoration, filled utterly with Thy Willy I turned towards the earth.
O LORD of Truth, thrice have I implored Thy manifestation; invoking Thee with deep fervour. Then, as always, the whole being made its total submission. At that moment the consciousness perceived the individual being mental, vital and physical, covered all over with dust, and this being lay Page – 224 prostrate before Thee, its forehead touching the earth, dust in the dust, and it cried to Thee, " O Lord, this being made of dust prostrates itself before Thee praying to be consumed with the fire of the Truth that it may henceforth manifest only Thee." Then Thou saidst to it, "Arise, thou art pure of all that is dust." And suddenly, in a stroke, all the dust sank from it like a cloak that falls on the earth, and. the being appeared erect, always as substantial, but resplendent with a dazzling light.
March 3, 1915: On board the Kama Maru.
SOLITUDE, a harsh, intense solitude, and always this strong impression of having been. flung headlong into an inferno of darkness! Never ! at any moment of my life, in any circumstances, have ¦ I felt myself living in surroundings so entirely I opposite to all that I am conscious of as true, so contrary to all that is the essence of my life. Sometimes when the impression, and the contrast grow very intense, I cannot prevent my total submission from taking a hue of melancholy, and the calm and mute converse with the Master within is transformed for a moment into an invocation almost suppliant, "O Lord, what have I done that Thou throwest me thus into the sombre night?" But at once the aspiration becomes more ardent, "Spare this being all weakening; Page – 225 grant that it may be the docile and clear-eyed instrument of Thy work, whatever that work may be." For the moment the clear perception is missing: never was the future more veiled. So far as the destiny of the individual is concerned, it looks as if we were advancing towards a high and impenetrable wall. As regards the destinies of the nations and of the earth, they appear more clearly. But of them it is futile to speak, the future will clearly reveal them to the eyes of all, even of the most blind.
ALWAYS the same harsh solitude…but it is not painful, rather the contrary. In it is revealed more clearly the infinite and pure love in which the whole earth is immersed. By this love everything lives and is animated by it, the darkest shadows seem to become translucent and let its streams flow through them, and the most intense pain is transformed into a potent bliss. Each turn of the helix upon the deep ocean appears to carry me farther from my true destiny, from that which best expresses the divine Will? each hour that passes seems to plunge me back more and more into that past with which I had severed Page – 226 connection, sure of being called to new and vaster realisations; everything appears to draw me back towards a state of things totally contrary to the life of my soul, although it reigns uncontested over the external activities; and, inspite of the apparent sadness of the individual situation, the consciousness is so strongly established in a world which on all sides overpasses the personal limits, that the whole being exults in a constant perception of power and love. Tomorrow is obscure and illegible in the material fact; no light, ever so feeble, reveals to my bewildered sight the indication, the presence of the Divine. But something in the depths of my consciousness turns to the Invisible and Sovereign Witness and says to Him, "Thou plungest me, O Lord, into the most opaque darkness; it must be then because Thou hast so firmly established Thy light in me that Thou knowest it will stand the perilous test. Hast Thou chosen me for descending into the vortex of this hell as Thy torch-bearer? Hast Thou deemed my heart strong enough not to fail, my hand firm enough not to tremble? And yet my individual being feels powerless and weak; when Thou dost not manifest Thy Presence, it is more poorly equipped than the majority of those who do not know or who disregard Thee. In Thee alone is its strength and its capacity. If Thou art pleased to use it, nothing will be too difficult to accomplish, no task too vast and complex. But if Thou withdrawest, there is left only a poor Page – 227 child capable solely of nestling in Thy arms and, sleeping there that sweet dreamless sleep in which. nothing exists save Thou alone."
THE time of the sweet silence of the mind is past, the time, so peaceful and pure, through which was felt the profound will expressing itself in its all-powerful truth. Now the will is no longer perceived and the mind, having necessarily become active, analyses, classifies, judges, chooses, reacts constantly as a transforming agent on all that is imposed on the individuality which has been widened to be in relation with a world infinitely vast, complex and mixed of shadow and light, like all that belongs to the earth. It is an exile from all spiritual happiness, and of all ordeals, O Lord, this is certainly the most painful that Thou canst impose; above all, the withdrawal of Thy will which seems to be a sign of total disapprobation. Strong is the growing sense of rejection and it needs all the ardour of a faith that nothing can weary, to guard the external consciousness, thus abandoned to itself, from invasion by an irremediable sorrow. But it refuses to despair, it refuses to believe that the misfortune is irreparable; it waits with humility in an obscure and hidden effort and struggle for the Page – 228 .breath of Thy perfect joy to penetrate it again. And, perhaps, each of its modest and secret victories is a true help brought to the earth. If it were possible to come definitively out of this external consciousness, to take refuge in the divine consciousness…But that Thou hast forbidden and still and always forbiddest: no flight out of the world; the burden of darkness and ugliness must be borne to the end, even if all divine help seems to be withdrawn. I must remain in the heart of the night and walk on, even without any inner compass, ,beacon-light or guide. I will not even implore Thy mercy, for what Thou wiliest for me, I too will. All my energy strains solely to advance, always to advance, step by step, despite the depth of the darkness and the obstacles of the way; whatever happens, O Lord, it is with a fervent and unchanging love that Thy decision will be welcomed. And even if Thou hast found the instrument unfit to serve Thee, the instrument no longer belongs to itself, it is Thine…Thou canst destroy or magnify it; by itself it does not exist, and it wills nothing, it can do nothing, without Thee.
IN a general way, the condition is one of calm and profound indifference; the being feels Page – 229 neither desire nor repulsion, neither enthusiasm nor depression, neither joy nor sorrow. It regards life as a spectacle in which it takes only a very small part; it perceives the actions and reactions, the conflicts of forces as things that at once belong to its own existence which overflows the small personality on every side and yet to that personality are altogether foreign and remote. But from time to time a great breath passes, a great breath of sorrow, of anguished isolation, of spiritual destitution,—one could say, the despairing appeal of Earth abandoned by the Divine… It is a pang as silent as it is cruel, a sorrow submissive, without revolt, without any desire to avoid or pass out of it and full of an infinite sweetness in which suffering and felicity are closely wedded; something infinitely vast, great and profound, too great, too profound perhaps to be understood by men… something which holds in it the seed of Tomorrow.
AN urgent need has compelled me to take up again this confidant of my seekings and of the efforts of my soul. All external circumstances have changed, giving the direct lie to the dream of the ideal which sought to be lived even in material activities. The hour has Page – 230 not yet come for the happy realisation in the outer physical fact. The physical being is plunged again into the dull and monotonous night from which it wanted too prematurely to extricate itself; and Thy will realised, O Lord of Truth, comes to say to .the constructing mind, "You cannot conceive that it is true, and yet it is." The mind has recognised with good grace its error and made its perfect surrender to all that Thou willst. The vital being is quietly satisfied in all circumstances. The feelings live in an equal and pure peace; the whole being is flooded with Thy vast, eternal light; Thy love penetrates and animates it. And yet the impression that the external fact is a falsehood has not been effaced, and the body, despite its indisputable good-will, is so profoundly shaken that it cannot regain the equilibrium of its health. The whole earthly life of this being, from the beginning to the present moment, appears to it as an unreal dream, very far from it, and having almost no contact with it any longer. All this outer mechanism is but a machine which it moves, because such is the will of its central Reality, but which interests it no more, perhaps even less, than a neighbouring mechanism or even an unknown one, the product of the earth of tomorrow. But the earth itself is foreign to it, and as it is conscious of nothing else except the Eternal Silence, all life in form appears to it remote and almost unreal; it seems to it strange that one can desire anything, since nothing is, or Page – 231 prefer one thing to another, since neither is. But at the same time it does not see why it should shun any action, whatever it may be, since all actions are equally unreal, and it feels no need to run away from a world which is not and cannot be a burden, since its existence is so inexistent. The whole thing gives an impression of a void which is full of light, peace and immensity, eluding all form and all definition. It is the nihil, but a nihil which is real and which can endure eternally, for it is, even while having the perfect immensity of that which is not…Poor words which try to say what silence itself cannot express. The condition which is thus trying to define itself in awkward terms has been installed progressively for some weeks, and each day that passes establishes it more definitively, more deeply and, so to say, more irremediably. Without having willed, sought or desired it, the being sinks into it more and more, also losing more and more the consciousness of itself in a Consciousness which is no longer individual, and whose immobility is ineffable; in a Consciousness from which it is no longer possible to distinguish oneself.
May 24, 1915
ONE day, O Lord, Thou hast taught say mind that it could act fully as a means of manifestation Page – 232 of Thy divine truth, as an intermediary of Thy eternal will, without being limited in its realising constructions by the narrow field of the external being’s possibilities. Till then this mind, except on rare occasions, had the habit of coming out of its mute ecstasy, its silent contemplation before Thy ineffable infinity, only to concentrate its effort on the centre of action represented by the external being; and this was a sort of slavery in a too narrow frame; there was a contradiction between the power of mental realisation and the instrument through which it tried I to express itself, the most immediate result was a wastage and limitation of the energies of the mind which, not finding satisfaction in activity, turned back quite naturally to an immersion in Thy eternity. Suddenly Thou hast put an end to this disorder; Thou hast liberated the mind from its last obstacle; Thou hast taught it to be freely active through all forms, and not only exclusively in those which it considered till then as its own, that is to say, as its natural means of expression. The vital being had for a long time already realised this freedom and knew how to live the whole plenitude of sensations and emotions in all forms capable of manifesting life. But the mental being had not yet leant consciously to animate, organise and illumine all lives equally. Thou hast removed the barriers. Thou hast opened to it the gates of Thy infinite manifestation. Page – 233 In a few days the new conquest was affirmed and made firm. And what Thou attendest from the centre of consciousness which my whole being represents at present upon the earth, clearly manifested before it: To be the Life in all material forms, the Thought organising and using this Life in all forms, the Love enlarging, enlightening, intensifying, uniting all the diverse elements of this Thought, and thus by a total identification with the manifested world, to be able to intervene with all power in its transformations. On the other hand, by a perfect surrender to the Supreme Principle, to become conscious of the Truth and the eternal Will which manifests it. By this identification, becoming the faithful servant and sure intermediary of the divine Will, and uniting this conscious identification of the Principle with the conscious identification of the becoming, to mould and model consciously the love, mind and life of the becoming according to the Law of Truth of the Principle. It is thus that the individual being can be the conscious intermediary between the absolute Truth and the manifested universe and intervene in the slow and uncertain advance of the Yoga of Nature in order to give it the swift, intense and sure character of the divine Yoga. It is thus that at certain periods, the whole terrestrial life seems to pass miraculously through stages which, at other times, it would take thousands of years t° traverse. Page – 234 At present, O Lord, the state of perfect and conscious surrender to Thy eternal will is, as far as 1 can know, constant and invariable, behind every act, every movement, mental, vital or material. This imperturbable calm, this deep, peaceful, unchanging bliss which do not leave me—are they not the proof of it? The passive, that is to say, the receptive identification with life, thought and love in all manifested forms is an accomplished fact which appears as the inevitable consequence of surrender to the pure Truth. But the moments when the consciousness is effectively the Life animating and moulding all material forms, the Intelligence organising the Life and the Love illumining the Intelligence, in an active and fully conscious way, at once in the mass and in the smallest detail, in a sense of infinite plenitude and precise powers, are yet intermittent, though becoming more and more frequent and abiding. It is in these moments that the two consciousnesses are simultaneous and melt into a single consciousness,. indescribable and ineffable, in which are united Immutable Eternity and Eternal Movement. It is in these moments that the work of the present time begins to be accomplished. Page – 235
SHOULD I, playing the role of a servant, an instrument, turn towards Thee, O Lord, and address to Thee a hymn of adoration? Should I identify myself with Thee in the eternal Reality and the infinite Beatitude and speak to men of the peace and joy they know not?…The two attitudes are simultaneous, the two consciousnesses are parallel, and in this close and indissoluble union is the Plenitude. The heavens have been definitively conquered, and nothing and no body has the power to take them from me. But the conquest of the earth has yet to be made; it is going on in the very heart of the turmoil, and, even when achieved, will still be relative; in this world its victories are but stages leading progressively towards still more glorious victories; and what Thy Will makes my mind conceive as the goal to be attained, the conquest to be realised, is only one simple element of Thy eternal plan; but in the perfect union I am this plan and this Will, and I taste the supreme bliss of the infinite, even while I play with ardour, precision, and energy, in the world of division, the special play Thou hast entrusted to me. Thy power in me is like a fountain, strong and fertilising, which clamours behind the rocks, accumulating its energies to break down the obstacle and gush forth freely to the exterior, pouring over Page – 236 the plain to fertilise it. What will be the hour of its emergence? When the moment will come, it will leap forth, and time and the hour are nothing in Eternity. But what words can tell the immensity of joy caused by this inner accumulation, this deep concentration, of all the forces docile to the manifestation of Thy Will of tomorrow, preparing to spread over the world, drowning in their sovereign floods all that persists in their will to be always an. expression of Thy Will of yesterday, in order to take possession of the earth in Thy Name and offer it to Thee as a completer image of Thyself! Thou hast said that the earth would die, and it will die to its old ignorance. Thou hast said that the earth would live, and it will live in the renewal of Thy Power. What words will ever tell the splendour of Thy Law and the magnificence of Thy Glory! What words will express the Perfection of Thy Consciousness and the infinite Bliss of Thy Love! What words can sing Thy ineffable Peace and celebrate the Majesty of Thy Silence and the Grandeur of Thy omnipotent Truth! The whole manifested world cannot speak Thy splendour and recount Thy marvels, and in the eternity of time, it is this which it has been trying to do more and more, better and better, eternally. Page – 237 Paris, November 2, 1915
(After a few moments devoted to putting in order some familiar objects.)
AS a strong breeze passes over the sea and crowns with foam its innumerable waves, so a great .breath passed over the memory and awakened a .multitude of reminiscences. Intense, complex, crowded the past lived again in a flash, losing nothing of its savour, no part of its riches. Then was the whole being raised up in a great uplift of adoration, and, gathering all its remembrances like an abundant harvest, it laid them, O Lord:, at Thy feet as an offering. For through all its life, without knowing it, or with some presentiment of it, it was Thou ‘whom it was seeking; in all its desires, all its enthusiasms, all its hopes and disappointments, all its sufferings and all its joys, it was Thou whom ardently it wanted. And now that it has found Thee and possesses Thee in a supreme peace and felicity, it wonders that so many sensations, emotions and experiences should have been needed to discover Thee. But all this which was a struggle, a turmoil and a perpetual effort, has become, through the sovereign ;grace of Thy conscious Presence, a priceless fortune which the being rejoices to make its gift to Thee. The purifying flame of Thy illumination has turned them into jewels of price laid down as a living -holocaust on the alter of my heart. Page – 238 The errors have become stepping-stones, the blind gropings conquests; Thy glory transforms defeats into eternity’s victories; all shadows have fled before Thy radiant brightness. It is Thou who wert the motive and the goal; Thou art the worker and ‘the work. The personal existence is a canticle, perpetually renewed, which the universe offers to Thy inconceivable splendour.
November 7, 1915, 3 O’clock.
BEYOND all external sign, all particular circumstance, the minutes flowed on so majestically, in so solemn an inner silence, so deep and vast a calm, that my tears streamed freely. For the last two days the earth seems to be passing through a decisive crisis; it seems that the great, the formidable play between the material resistance and the spiritual powers, is nearing a conclusion, or, in any case, an element of capital importance has made, or is about to make, its appearance in the play. How little personalities count in such hours! They are like wisps of straw swept away by a breath that passes, whirling for a moment above the ground to be afterwards thrown back on it and reduced to dust. And the personalities who thus feel themselves to be so precarious, so devoid of importance, suffer and groan and painfully agonise. For them, even Page – 239 waiting itself becomes a perpetual menace, all speaks of danger and destruction. But what a grandeur, what a sovereign beauty there is in the heart of this external anguish wholly made up of a narrow egoism; what a splendour dwells in this waiting made religious by the force of a gathered inwardness, when the walls of a personal blindness have fallen and the individual consciousness has taken its flight into the immensity to be united with Thy eternal consciousness. This sorrowful world kneels before Thee, O Lord, in mute supplication; this tortured Matter nestles at Thy feet, its last, its sole refuge; and so imploring Thee, it adores Thee, Thee whom it neither knows ,, nor understands! Its prayer rises like the cry of one in a last agony; that which is disappearing feels confusedly the possibility of living again in Thee; the earth awaits Thy decree in a grandiose prostration. Listen, listen; its voice implores and supplicates Thee… What will be Thy decree, what is Thy sentence ?O Lord of Truth, the individual world blesses Thy Truth which it knows not yet, but which it calls, and to which it adheres with all the joyful energy of its living forces. Death has passed, vast and solemn, and all fell into a religious silence during its passage. A superhuman beauty has appeared on the earth. Something more marvellous than the most marvellous bliss has made felt the impress of its Presence. Page – 24O
THE entire consciousness immersed in divine . contemplation, the whole being enjoyed a supreme and vast felicity. Then was the physical body seized, first in its lower members and next the whole of it, by a sacred trembling which made little by little even in the most material sensation all personal limits fall away. The being progressively, methodically, grew in greatness, breaking down every barrier, shattering every obstacle, that it might contain and manifest a force and a power which increased ceaselessly in immensity and intensity. It was as if a progressive dilatation of the cells until there was a complete identification with the earth: the body of the awakened consciousness was the terrestrial globe moving harmoniously in ethereal space. And the consciousness knew that its global body was thus moving in the arms of the universal Personality, and it gave itself, it abandoned itself to Her in an ecstasy of peaceful bliss. Then it felt that its body was absorb- ed in the body of the universe and one with it; the consciousness became the consciousness of the universe, in its totality immobile, in its internal complexity moving infinitely. The consciousness of the universe sprang towards the Divine in an ardent aspiration, a perfect surrender, and it saw in the splendour of the immaculate Light the radiant Being standing on a many-headed serpent whose body coiled infinitely around the universe. The being in an eternal gesture Page – 241 of triumph mastered and created at one and the same time the serpent and the universe that issued from it; erect on the serpent, he dominated it with all his .victorious might, and the same gesture that crushed the hydra, enveloping the universe, gave it eternal birth. Then the consciousness became this Being and perceived that its form was changing once more; it was absorbed into something which was no longer a form and yet contained all forms, something which, immutable, sees,—the Eye, the Witness. And what It :sees, is. Then this last vestige of form disappeared and the consciousness itself was absorbed into the Unutterable, the Ineffable. The return towards the consciousness of the individual body took place very slowly in a constant and invariable splendour of Light and Power and Felicity and Adoration, by successive gradations, but directly, without passing again through the universal and terrestrial forms. And it was as if the modest corporeal form had become the direct and immediate vesture, .without any intermediary, of the supreme and eternal Witness. Page – 242 |