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SERIES FIVE
Series Five
To one of the first children admitted to the Sri Aurobindo Ashram; he came at the age of ten. Interested as a youth in music, painting and poetry, he later became a teacher of music in the Sri Aurobindo International Centre of Education. He began writing to the Mother at the age of twelve.
Always do with pleasure the work you have to do. Work done with joy is work done well. 14 March 1932
When you have a desire you are governed by the thing you desire; it takes possession of your mind and your life, and you become a slave. If you have greed for food you are no longer the master of food, it is the food that masters you. 22 August 1932 My dear Mother, Today when I went to X for my music lesson I felt uneasy. I also felt that he is not very happy with me. I had a sort of bad feeling at that time. Why did I feel this uneasiness? After coming home I felt tired and had no interest in doing anything. Now I feel that after the music lesson, the good things that were developing in me have been broken to pieces. Is it true?
All these feelings this uneasiness, this tiredness, these impressions of broken progress come from the vital, which rebels because its desires and preferences are not satisfied. All that has no true reality. 2 April 1933 Page – 113 O Mother, The disturbance still has not disappeared. I am in a worse state than before. There is something wrong in my mind. Also, I feel bad everywhere. Tell me what I should do.
Think of something else. Keep yourself busy; don’t remain idle, doing nothing. 18 December 1933 Dearest Mother, I want to feel your touch in each and every one of my movements. I want to feel your presence everywhere. Mother, accept my prayer.
I am always with you, my child, so it is not only possible but quite easy to feel my presence constantly. With love and blessings. 6 March 1934 Mother, O Mother, Have I done any wrong? Answer me please. If I have done any wrong, please excuse me. Are you displeased with me? Mother, make me yours.
Why this question? You have done nothing wrong and I am not in the least displeased with you. Did I look very serious tonight? If it is so, it was because I was thinking of the stupidity and blindness of this poor world, but there was surely nothing concerning you. With love and blessings. 9 March 1934 Page – 114 My little mother, Yesterday I told you that “we” had painted an envelope. By “we” I mean that there is me and you. I feel that it is not I who am working, so I say “we”. I am your child.
That is really nice and I am very pleased. Yes, I am always with you and even more specially when you are working on your painting and music. Are you aware that you are making a great deal of progress? I like the envelopes that both of us are painting together very much, and that is one more proof that we are doing them together, because they are nearly always just as I thought they should be. The small one you sent this morning is very fine and the choice of colours is excellent. Affectionately. Your little mother. 15 March 1934 My mother, I do not want the vulgar joy of the world. Take me into your heart. Take me into your arms.
Yes, I am taking you into my arms and cradling you to my heart so that you may have true happiness and unalloyed peace. Love from your little mother who is always with you. 15 March 1934 My little mother, Peace, peace, give me your unalloyed peace and make me conscious of you.
Peace be with you, my child, the peace of Certitude and of confidence in my love which never leaves you. Page – 115 Your mother. 16 March 1934 My little mother, Why does this difficulty come? Do I open myself to it or is it something else? Mother, after having come so close to you, why does it come?
You should not speak to others about what I write or say to you, because they become jealous and their jealousy creates a bad atmosphere which falls back on you and brings back the difficulty to you; because you spoke, you opened yourself and received it, perhaps without even being aware of it. Love from your mother. 17 March 1934 My dear mother, My heart wants to run to your feet; it wants to lose itself in you. This is what I want, but have I done it? I want to be close to your heart, I want but is it possible? I don’t know. Make me peaceful. Give me the taste of your divine presence.
Yes, my dear child, it is entirely possible and since you want it sincerely, it will come to be so. You will feel yourself always close to my heart, cradled in my arms, and Peace will fill your being and make you strong and joyful. Love from your mother. 29 March 1934 Page – 116 Sweet mother, I feel devoid of strength, will and energy. I don’t know what to do. This state must go, but I don’t know how. I have no courage.
Do not distress yourself, it is the result of these last few days of sickness. It will pass but you must eat well regularly and sleep well too, taking care not to go to bed too late. Very lovingly. 30 March 1934 My dear little child, I was so pleased to receive your nice letter. You must learn that it is your good and your good alone that I want. I want to make you a strong and conscious man who is master of himself that is, in control of his lower nature and capable of becoming a true Yogi if that be his aspiration. And the more this man realises his true being, the more he will become my very dear child. That is why, now, when the will that is expressing itself is the will of the lower nature, I cannot satisfy all its whims, for that would be the worst thing I could do for you. True love is the love that wants, to the exclusion of all else, the highest good for the loved one. This is the love that I have and want to have for you. Your mother. 6 April 1934 My sweet mother, May peace be with me always.
Peace, peace in your heart and your vital. Yes, Peace, Light, Force and Bliss are always with you in the Consciousness that is constantly by your side, bringing you the solicitude of my love. 9 April 1934 Page – 117 My dear child, Yes, you are and will be more and more a child of the Light. No obscurity must be allowed to manifest through you. 12 April 1934 Dear little child, The paintings are fine, they are like Japanese ones. As for the “plane” from which they come, it is surely the subtle physical, where the memory of all the conceptions and works of art realised on earth is stored. Very affectionately yours. 16 April 1934 Mother, I do not want a life without energy.
Very good then you must acquire energy, and after all, it is not so difficult, especially here where you are as if bathed in a sea of energy. You have only to open and receive. Love from your mother. 17 April 1934 Sweet mother, Give me peace, energy and inspiration.
Learn to drink from the eternal source; it contains everything. With my love. 21 April 1934 Page – 118 My child, my child, why this great sadness? Is it because someone to whom you had given your friendship has withdrawn for reasons that he thinks are very profound? But don’t you still have your mother’s friendship? And also all her love, and her solicitude for you? No, all is not sad and gloomy, neither the trees nor the sky nor the sea; everything is full of the divine Presence and is only too glad to speak of it to you. Shake off this childish depression and contemplate the Sun that is rising in your heart! 28 April 1934 Mother, You don ‘t love me at all. Is this the way that one loves one’s child?
My child, Certainly I do not love you in the way you conceive of as love; and I do see how it could be otherwise. You first have to realise the Divine Consciousness only then will you be able to know what true love is. 30 April 1934 My sweet mother, Human contact has done me much harm, but I cannot give up this habit. I have made many efforts to stop all human contacts, but I cannot. I don’t know what to do. Mother, let me open to you and to no one else, always, always. Give me patience.
I don’t think it would be good for you to live completely retired and turned in on yourself. The whole thing is to choose your relationships well. You must choose to enter into relation only with those whose contact does not veil my presence. Page – 119 This is the important point which should never be forgotten. All that leads you away from me in thought and feeling is bad. All that brings you closer to me and gives you the perception and joy of my presence is good. You should judge things in the light of this rule. You will see that it will help you to protect yourself from many mistakes. I send you much patience and all my love. 2 May 1934 My sweet mother, You are everywhere. Remain with me always.
My dear child, You are always in my arms and always I hold you close to my heart to comfort and protect you, to strengthen and illumine you. Never for a moment do I leave you and I am sure that if you are a little attentive you will very clearly feel the warmth of my arms around your shoulders. Your mother. 4 May 1934 My dear child, It seems to me that you are so often sad and depressed because your nerves are not very strong. You should eat more, sleep longer, take some exercise in the open air, etc. Affectionately. 9 May 1934 Peace, peace, my little child, the sweet peace of inner silence and outer calm. May it always be with you. Affectionately. 14 May 1934 Page – 120 You see, my child, the unfortunate thing is that you are too preoccupied with yourself. At your age I was exclusively occupied with my studies – finding things out, learning, understanding, knowing. That was my interest, even my passion. My mother, who loved us very much – my brother and myself = never allowed us to be ill tempered or discontented or lazy. If we went to complain to her about one thing or another, to tell her that we were discontented, she would make fun of us or scold us and say, “What is this nonsense? Don’t be ridiculous. Quick! Off you go and work, and never mind whether you are in a good or a bad mood! That is of no interest at all.” My mother was perfectly right and I have always been very grateful to her for having taught me the discipline and the necessity of self-forgetfulness through concentration on what one is doing. I have told you this because the anxiety you speak of comes from the fact that you are far too concerned about yourself. It would be better for you to pay more attention to what you are doing and to do it well (painting or music), to develop your mind, which is still very uncultivated, and to learn the elements of knowledge which are indispensable to a man if he does not want to be ignorant and uncultured. If you worked regularly eight to nine hours a day, you would be hungry and you would eat well, you would feel sleepy and sleep peacefully, and you would have no time to wonder whether you are in a good or a bad mood. I am telling you these things with all my affection, and I hope that you will understand them. Your mother who loves you. 15 May 1934 My dear little child, I constantly envelop you in my peace: you must learn to keep it. I am constantly in your heart: you must become conscious Page – 121 of my presence and receive and use the force that I am pouring into you to enable you to overcome all difficulties. Love. 21 May 1934 My dear child, Carefully keep this bliss, this repose, this assurance of Victory; they are more precious than all the riches of this world, and they will keep you very close to me. Love from your mother. 22 May 1934 My dear child, Only spiritual force has the power to impose peace on the vital, for if peace is not imposed on it by a power greater than its own, the vital will never accept it. So you must open yourself to the spiritual force and allow it to work in you; then you will more and more dwell in constant peace and joy. With all my love. 24 May 1934 My dear child, I carry you always in my arms, pressed close to my heart, and I have no doubt that you will become aware of it if you forget the world and concentrate on me. By turning your thoughts towards me you will feel closer and closer to me and peace will come to dwell in your heart. Love. 25 May 1934 Page – 122 My dear little child, It is by inner identification that the true closeness can come. I am always with you in all love. Your mother. 2 June 1934 My dear child, You will no longer revolt when you understand that it is the most useless and foolish of all things; and when you give up this bad habit of revolt, you will see that suffering too will go away and be replaced by an unvarying happiness. With all my being, I want this progress and this transformation for you. With love. 10 June 1934 My sweet mother, I shall be what you want me to be. Dear mother, accept my childlike prayer.
For you I want consciousness, knowledge, artistic capacity, self-mastery in peace and perfect equality, and the happiness that is the result of spiritual realisation. Is this too grand and vast a programme? With your mother’s blessings. 12 June 1934 Mother, I want a discipline.
This is quite excellent and I approve of it. Without outer and inner discipline, one can achieve nothing in life, either spiritually or materially. Page – 123 All those who have been able to create something beautiful or useful have always been persons who have known how to discipline themselves. Always with you in all love. 23 June 1934 Yes, my dear child, I am your true mother who will give birth in you to the true being, the being who is free, peaceful, strong and happy always, independently of all circumstances. Love from your mother. 25 July 1934 My dear mother, Give energy and force to your child. Oh, take me into your heart. Let me live in you.
My dear child, I carry you always in my heart and you are bathed in energy; it is through a quiet and confident aspiration that you will receive it. All my love is with you. I hope you do not show my letters to anyone. It is better to keep them to yourself; otherwise, if you show them, all the force that I put into them evaporates.
11 August 1934 Mother, my dear mother, You know everything that I need. Take me into your heart. Surround me.
My dear child, I know very well what you need – is to be surrounded by my love as by a protection, Page – 124 and truly my love is always with you, around you; but you, on your side, must open to it and allow it to envelop you and help you. 16 August 1934 My dear mother, I want to be like the lion on the envelope I am sending you this evening.
My dear little lion, I am in your heart that it may be happy, in your head that it may be peaceful, and in your hand that it may be skilful. With all my love. 21 August 1934 My dear little child, Your lions are superb. How quiet they are in their strength. A strong being is always quiet. It is weakness that causes restlessness. I am sending you (on my envelope, but in reality too) the repose that comes from concentrated energy. Be sure that you will become strong and quiet, have faith in a perfect realisation and in the Divine’s omnipotence to achieve it. The Force and Consciousness are always with you, as well as all my love. Your mother. 21 August 1934 My dear mother, Purify me. Dispel the shadows. I will not revolt any more.
You must never lose confidence in my unvarying love. 30 August 1934 Page – 125 Mother, I have a pain in my head. I am very tired.
My child, all my love is always with you; do not push it away. 1 September 1934 My dear child, I have been informed from the dining-room that you did not eat either yesterday evening or the whole day today. Why? If you are sick, you must be taken care of. I shall send the doctor to you. But if you are not sick, you must eat; if you do not eat regularly, your brain will waste away and you will lose your intelligence, and then? It grieves me when you do not eat regularly. Do you want to grieve your mother who loves you and wants only your own good? September 1934 My dear mother, I won’t be irregular from today. You know very well that I am not sick; it was a cloud, you know. Now I am going to the dining-room. My mother, I want to be good. Everything has gone now. I want to be your little child.
My dear child, You are a very nice child, and I am very pleased that you had your meal yesterday evening and that all the clouds have gone. Now you must not allow them to come back and for that the best thing is to remain always cradled in my arms, protected by my love which never leaves you. 7 September 1934 Page – 126 My dear mother, Have I done something that has displeased you? M head hurts. I feel tired.
You are quite mistaken, I am not at all displeased with you. Only I am worried because you always have a headache and because you are tired. I want all that to go away and I want you to be perfectly healthy. For that, you must follow a physical discipline: sleep regularly, eat regularly, exercise regularly, etc., etc. And unfortunately you refuse all discipline. This makes my task very difficult. With all my love. 11 September 1934 Dearest mother, I feel so tired, and my head hurts. Mother, what shall I do?
My dear child, You know that my love is always with you and my will is that you should get well; my force is with you to give you health. I take you into my arms, I take you to my heart. 20 September 1934 My dear child, I don’t want you to be ill and always I am with you to cure you but you too must want to be cured. Do not torment yourself and always nestle in my arms so as to receive my love and force. 23 September 1934 Page – 127 My dear little child, I fully agree with you that egoism, vanity and jealousy must disappear; they are indeed ugly, mean and ignorant things that stop all progress. My force is with you to conquer these things. And my love never leaves you. 25 September 1934 My dear mother, I am not unhappy. All that is a falsehood. Mother, stay with your little child.
My dear child, Always, always I am with you and the quieter and happier you are, the more you will feel it. With all my love. 3 October 1934 My little mother, Give me peace. Give me joy in work. Make me your instrument.
My dear child, I am very happy to know that you want to be my instrument. To be able to be my instrument, you must be regular, energetic, courageous, enduring and always good-tempered. I have no doubt that you can acquire these qualities. With you always. 25 October 1934 My little mother, I want peace. I feel that everything is unquiet. Mother, give me peace. Page – 128 My child, I envelop you always in peace and force, but most of the time you close yourself and refuse what I give you. How will you feel my help and take advantage of it if you do not even trust in me? Yet my love is always with you. 1 November 1934 My dearest mother, Won’t you forgive me? Mother, take me into your arms.
My child, Certainly I forgive you, but you, on your side, must sweep your mind clean of all these bad thoughts which are harmful to you. My love is with you. 2 November 1934 My dear little mother, Forgive the faults I have committed. Give me peace. Remain always in my heart.
Yes, my dear child, I forgive you; but how I would like you to become quieter, more reasonable, more studious! Don’t you think it is high time for you to develop these qualities, which are absolutely indispensable if you want to do anything in life? 5 December 1934 Dearest mother, Stay with me always. You know everything. Page – 129 Yes, I know everything and that is why I know that my little child is not always reasonable and that is why he has a headache and a stomachache.
22 December 1934 My dear mother, I want to feel you near to me always. I want peace.
My little child, I am always with you, bringing you peace and tranquillity, calm and force. But to feel my presence, you know what you must do and especially what you must not do. Love from your mother. 1 February 1935 My dear child, The best thing for your headache is to take plenty of physical exercise (such as gardening for example). 25 February 1935 My sweet mother, Fill my thoughts with you. Stay always with your little child. Give me a deep and lasting peace.
My dear child, I am putting peace in your heart; but to become conscious of it, you should repeat, as often as possible, mentally turning to me: “You have put Peace in my heart; make me aware of its presence.” With all my love. 27 February 1935 Page – 130 My dear child, Do not forget that I am always with you and do only what you could do in front of me without feeling ashamed. I mean that you must never do what you would not dare to do in my physical presence, for I am always with you. Love. 6 March 1935 My sweet mother, I don’t know why something in me is sad. Even when I am very happy, truly happy, this part is still sad. Mother, which part in me is like this? Is it the heart, the vital, or is it something very superficial and insignificant?
My dear child, It is in fact something very superficial, but still it should be cured. It is your body that does not feel very strong and is sad because it does not have a sound balance of health. The best cure is plenty of open-air exercise and abundant food. 16 March 1935 My dear mother, I don’t know why I have lost all my happiness and peace. I don’t know when it will come back to my heart. My sweet mother, what shall I do?
My dear child, When one’s attention is always turned towards oneself, one is never happy. When one allows oneself to be ruled by every passing impulse, one is never peaceful. It is through work and self-mastery that one can find happiness and peace. 23 March 1935 Page – 131 Sweet mother, I want to be happy, but how? Sadness comes during my work; I cannot forget it. My dear mother, be with me always.
My dear child, This causeless sadness may also come while you work, but if you didn’t work it would be far worse. It is in work that one finds balance and joy. I am always with you to help and support you. Love from your mother. 12 June 1935 My sweet mother, I feel very tired; some part in me is not happy. I don’t know whether it is inside me or outside; something feels completely lost and lifeless. You know everything, my mother. Will you tell me what it is?
It is something in your vital that cannot bear any vexation, even the slightest. This part of the vital must learn to become stronger and more enduring.
4 August 1935 My dear mother, I feel very tired. I also have a slight headache.
My dear child, I don’t need to tell you where your headache comes from; I suppose you know. Only when you become absolutely regular in your material life will you be able to have good health. from your mother. 6 September 1935 Page – 132 My sweet mother, For three days I have been feeling sad in the evening. This morning I felt sad too. I don’t know exactly why it comes. For two days I felt a great joy, but now the joy has gone. When will all these things go away?
My dear child, You must not worry about these alternations. When the psychic being comes to the surface, it brings its own joy with it; but when the mind or the vital comes, then the joy seems to withdraw, though it is always there, behind, ready to manifest again. But above all you must not believe the suggestions of incapacity and failure; they come from an adverse source and ought not to be given any credence. Certainly there are difficulties on the path, but with perseverance the victory is sure. Love from your mother. 16 December 1936 Sweet mother, You told me that I am making progress. Did you want to console me by telling me this? When I look within myself, not just now but over the past two years, I find nothing. Sometimes I feel: “Why all these efforts? They will be fruitless.” You told me to open my heart and all will be well; but you know, mother, nothing stays in me.
My dear child, No, it is not to console you that I told you that you have made progress. The progress is undeniable even though it may not be apparent. Certainly the path of yoga is a very difficult one, and you should not expect to reap its fruits after only three or four years. It takes much longer than that. But you are young, you have all of life before you; you need not be impatient. Page – 133 You say that you are often depressed. It is the vital being that gets depressed when its desires are not satisfied. In ordinary life, one has to struggle to satisfy one’s desires; here one struggles not to do so. Actually, whatever path one follows, success always comes to those who are strong, courageous, enduring. And you know that here our force and our help are always available to you; you have only to learn to make use of them. Love from your mother. 26 July 1937 My dear mother, No, I cannot do all those things. Why did you think that? Is there any special reason? Will you tell me one thing: why are you now so far away from me?
My dear child, I don’t know at all what things you mean. All I told you was that to develop your artistic faculties you are much better off here than anywhere else. I added that only if you wanted to marry would you have to leave the Ashram. But you know that I never advise anyone to marry; it is a terrible bondage. I have never thought that you really wanted to marry, but now and then it is good that I remind you that you are free and that it is for you to make the decision; that’s all. I don’t feel that you are far from me; for me you are always in my arms. So if you feel that you are far away, it is a false feeling which does not conform to the truth. Love from your mother. 28 July 1937 My sweet mother, You told me that you saw two things while I was playing: “Garuda”, and the palace and river. What do they mean? Page – 134 The palace and river were the image of a moment from one of your past lives. The great bird “Garuda” standing immobile behind you with outspread wings is the vehicle of Vishnu, the destroyer of serpents. He seemed to be standing behind you to protect and inspire you. Love from your mother. 28 August 1937
The moon is the symbol of the spiritual light, one in its origin, multiple in its manifestation. There is only one moon and yet each reflection of the moon is different. This is what I wanted to say in a poetic form. Love from your mother. 9 September 1937
What I meant yesterday is that all people very sensitive are opened to many influences and that is why it is difficult for them to be steady. But with discrimination one can distinguish the bad from the good influences and reject persistently the bad ones. Love from your mother. 13 September 1937 My dear child, I understand your difficulty very well. It is very common and can only be solved with much endurance in the will and much patience. For on the one hand you want to consecrate yourself to the Page – 135 Divine and take your place in the divine life in the making. On the other hand you want the satisfactions of ordinary life and the pleasures of the vital without considering, however, that these pleasures can only be obtained through much struggle and effort and that always they go hand in hand with worry and suffering. On the first path, there is no question of personal incapacity, since our help and protection are always there. Indeed, you must open yourself to this help and protection and learn to use them to conquer the adversary who is trying to draw you towards the lower animal consciousness. Love from your mother who never leaves you. 15 May 1938 My sweet mother, These last few days I felt that I was going down step by step everything seemed to be gradually closing in against me, against my heart. I feel, even now, that I am suffocated. Are you making me feel life without you in order to see whether I want this life or not? Mother, if you don’t know what my path is, then who does?
My dear child, I know very well what the true life for you is, and what your destiny is. But it is you who must become aware of it and understand it so that you can realise it. In what way do you feel yourself going down? Are desires becoming stronger in you? Whatever happens, you can always rely on my help; do not hesitate to ask for it. Love from your mother. 29 May 1938 Page – 136 My sweet mother, I feel completely suffocated. The struggle has become fiercer. How many days must I go on like this?
My dear child, Do not lose heart and do not be impatient; these things take a long time to disappear. You know, don’t you, that our force, our help and our blessings are always with you? Keep your interest in the work this too will help you to pass through the difficult moments. Love from your mother. 28 June 1938 Mother, This inner condition is getting worse and worse instead of better. You said to be patient, but as it is I am becoming like a stone, without energy, inert, and more and more closed . I feel your light and your force around me, but I cannot receive them. I am not asking you to tell me what to do you have told me to be patient and I will be patient. I am only telling you about my condition, that’s all.
You are right to tell me, my dear child; it helps you to open yourself. I know that it is troublesome to feel this resistance in yourself; but persist in your will to overcome it and it will suddenly give way. Love from your mother. 10 July 1938 My sweet mother, I want to ask you something concerning my poetry. It has stopped now. Is there some inner preparation at Page – 137 work and is it waiting for the descent of a higher inspiration?
My dear child, Yes, I think in fact that your poetry has stopped so that you can prepare yourself for a higher inspiration. You were going round and round in the same forms; something new had to come. Of course, if you feel that something wants to express itself, you must try. I am always with you, my dear child, and my love never leaves you. Your mother. 17 July 1938
You have my full consent to write poetry, and Sri Aurobindo says that there is no doubt about your poetic capacity. Today’s poem is very good. But when you try to write every day, it becomes more and more mental and you lose contact with the true inspiration. That is why you should write only when you feel that the inspiration is there. 20 July 1938 My sweet mother, Were you angry with me because I have decided to leave the Ashram? I want to go forward not to revolt against you, no, not at all. But I want to be sure of my path. Give me a chance, Mother, please. One thing I want to ask you: Mother, will you always be in my heart?
I am not at all angry; but since you have decided to leave, Page – 138 I cannot detain you either, or do anything that might deprive you of the strength to leave. I am and will always be in your heart; so you are sure to find me there if you enter into it deeply enough. Love from your mother. 30 August 1938
(In October 1938, at the age of eighteen, the sadhak left the Ashram for a period of eight years. The following letters were written while he was away.)
My dear child, I have just received your letter of the 25th and I am glad to know you have recovered at last. You tell me in your letter: “Mother, I do not want the world, not because I am afraid of my duty but because I want you.” I would like to tell you something about this. To be sure that you are meant for the Ashram life, it is necessary that the spiritual life and all the discipline it entails in short, the search for and realisation of the Divine must be the most important thing to you, the only thing worth living for. {140 For this feeling of wanting me can mislead you. Are you sure it is the Divine in me that you want? When you come back here and cannot see me (for, since Sri Aurobindo’s accident, I am no longer giving any “pranams” or interviews), won’t you feel once again that you are giving up all the pleasures that ordinary life can give, without getting anything much in exchange? Of course, if you want to lead the spiritual life at any cost, that is another thing. But in that case, you will have to rely on the inner help, not on an outer and superficial help. I am telling you all this so that you may not be disappointed once again after returning here. Read my letter very carefully, think it over well to be sure that you have understood it completely, and when you have seen Page – 139 very clearly within yourself, write to me again. My love and blessings are always with you. Your mother who loves you. 30 March 1939 My dear child, I received your letter and I have no objection to your going to study music for three years at Lucknow, since that is what you want. However, I do not think it would be wise to come to Pondicherry in February, for once you are here you might again become troubled and uncertain, and that would arouse an unnecessary conflict in you. Go to Lucknow, learn all you can there, and then you will be able to consider the problem and make a definite decision concerning your future. My love, my help and my blessings will always be with you. Your mother. 11 January 1940 My dear child, If you are so eager to come to the Ashram, you can come. But I must warn you about two things: (1) Your vital will find no gratification here, as life has become very restricted in the present war conditions. (2) You will live here, as all of us, night and day under the constant threat of a sudden bombardment. If you do not mind these two dangers, you can come. With my love and blessings. 10 April 1942 Page – 140 (In April 1946, the sadhak returned to the Ashram, where he has remained ever since. The following letters were written after his return.)
O my sweet mother, Accept my gratitude for having shown me the true path. Give me the strength to reject everything that comes from outside. May your will be done.
My love and blessings are with you to guide you on the way. 4 June 1946 My sweet mother, I want to be closer to you in my heart and in all my being. Give me the power to give myself completely to you. Stay with me always.
Yes, my dear little child, I am always with you to help you, to support you, to guide you. By doing your work with conscientiousness, honesty and perseverance, you will feel my presence closer and closer to you. With my blessings. 29 June 1946 My sweet mother, The more I look into myself, the more discouraged I am, and I don’t know whether there is any chance of my making any progress. It seems that all the obscurities and falsehoods are rising up on every side, inside and outside, and want to swallow me up. There are times when I cannot distinguish truth from falsehood and I am then on the verge of losing my mind. Page – 141 Still, there is something in me which says very weakly that all will be well; but this voice is so feeble that I cannot rely on it.¹ My faults are so numerous and so great that I think I shall fail. On the other hand, I have neither the inclination nor the capacity for the ordinary life. And I know that I shall never be able to leave this life. This is my situation right now. The struggle is getting more and more acute, and worst of all I cannot lie to you. What should I do?
Do not torment yourself, my child, and remain as quiet as you can; do not yield to the temptation to give up the struggle and let yourself fall into darkness. Persist, and one day you will realise that I am close to you to console you and help you, and then the hardest part will be over. With all my love and blessings. 25 September 1947 Be sincere, always sincere, more and more sincere. Sincerity demands of each one that he express only the truth of his being. 26 January 1950 Sweet Mother, I feel that something is wrong and you are very displeased with me.
It is the very first proposition that is wrong, I am not displeased with you – so all that follows cannot be correct.
¹The Mother underlined the words “all will be well” and wrote beside them: “This is the voice of truth, the one you must listen to.” Page – 142 I will be very pleased to know the real cause of your discontent and shall try my best to remove it. I cannot tell you how it pains me to know that you are displeased with me on any account.
There is no real cause because there is no discontent. Your pain is quite gratuitous, so you would [do] better [to] get rid of it immediately. With my love and blessings. 12 December 1953 Sweet Mother, I pray, please do not be vexed by my letter. I on my part can bear anything except your displeasure. I feel you are very vexed with me for some reason I cannot yet understand. What is it you want me to do? What is your will? I cannot express how deeply I feel your displeasure. Do you want more work from me -more discipline, more right attitude? I am a bundle of failings; please pardon them for I am human. Please pardon me for what I have done and let me know what mistakes I have committed.
I am not vexed, I am not displeased this impression of yours is quite false and imaginary may be the result of a bad conscience, but you must learn once and for all that whatever mistakes people commit, it cannot vex me nor displease me. If there is bad will or revolt, Kali may come and chastise but she always does it with love. So, throw away all this nonsense and try to be quiet and happy. With my love and blessings. 23 March 1954 Page – 143 My dear child, “He who chooses the Infinite has been chosen by the Infinite.” Never forget this promise of Sri Aurobindo and keep courage in spite of all difficulties. You are sure to reach the goal, and the more you keep confidence, the quicker it will come. With my love and blessings. 26 January 1956 (The following letters are undated. Most were written between 1932 and 1938 during the sadhak’s first stay in the Ashram.)
Do not torment yourself, my dear child, and fear nothing; my grace will always be with you and never fail you. Moreover, there is no reason to believe that you will not succeed in this life; on the contrary, I see in you the signs of a vocation. And since you have resolved to be patient, the difficulties will surely be overcome. Love from your mother.
Your going away will not help in the least. Exterior means are useless; it is the “inside” that must change. Keep your resolution and my help will work. With my love and blessings.
My little mother, I shall be so happy when all the clouds and shadows are dissolved. I want a new life. Page – 144 My dear child, You are quite right in wanting a new life, and you may be sure that I shall do my best to help you in that. I am quite sure that perseverance in study and the acceptance of a discipline of work and order in life will be a powerful help to you in renewing yourself. All my love is with you to help you and guide you.
My dear child, Will and energy can be cultivated just as the muscles are: by exercise. You must exercise your will to be patient and your energy to reject depression. I am always near you to help you with all my love.
You need not worry and must continue as you are doing except, perhaps, that you must not allow your superficial and somewhat too light exterior being to interfere and spoil your endeavour, as it does during marching for instance. The most important [thing] is a steady, quiet endurance that does not allow any upsetting or depression to interfere with your progress. The sincerity of the aspiration is the assurance of the victory. With my love and blessings.
My mother, It is a lack of energy that is preventing me from painting. Give me a strong energy. I want the inner and outer silence, peace in all my being, from the innermost part to the outermost. Peace, peace in all my being. Page – 145 I cannot express this in proper words and it is becoming melodramatic. Pardon my mistake.
I don’t find your expression melodramatic and there is nothing to pardon. I know that it is from lack of energy that you cannot paint. But I can give you all the energy needed; you have only to open yourself and receive and you will see that the source is inexhaustible. It is the same thing for peace and for all the true things you can aspire for. Love from your mother.
My dear mother, I don’t know what to do. I want to open to you, but something prevents me from opening.
My dear child, You find it difficult to open because you have not yet made the resolution to allow my will, and not your own, to govern your life. As soon as you have understood the need for this, everything will become easier and you will at last be able to acquire the peace you need so much. I am always with you in this effort and aspiration.
Mother, The vital has become very, very bad. Today especially it is very rebellious. You did not reply to my last letter. Do you mean that it isn’t necessary to make the vital peaceful?
I did not answer because what I say seems to have no effect. If you would express clearly, in a precise way, the nature of the Page – 146 revolt, it would help you very much to get rid of it, because it is {147a way of opening yourself which allows the light to enter into the obscurity and illumine it.
Mother, There is a depression. And most often I feel that my mind is tired. I don’t know why. Today, my vital too is in terrible revolt. What can I do?
It is the same tiredness as that of the muscles when they do not work enough. Inactivity is just as tiring as over-activity. Not to work enough is just as bad as working too much. The vital is a most bothersome character who prefers to be bad rather than to go unnoticed. You must teach him that he is not the master of the house.
Mother, I don’t know what to do with this vital. Will you please stop it?
Sri Aurobindo: Do not accept it when it comes and do not believe what it says. Do not act according to its indications. Then it will not be difficult to stop it.
And when Sri Aurobindo tells you something, the first thing to do, and the most important if you want to conquer the difficulty, is to obey.
My dear child, This craving for strong experiences belongs to the vital; it is Page – 147 a very frequent tendency in those whose vital is insufficiently developed and seeks violent sensations in the hope of escaping from its heaviness and inertia. But it is an ignorant movement, for violent sensations can never be a remedy; on the contrary, they increase the confusion and obscurity. The only remedy lies in opening to the higher forces in order to let them do in the vital their work of organisation and classification, of light and peace. Love from your mother who is always there ready to help you.
My dear mother, You are displeased with me, aren’t you? I feel so sad. What can I do? I stumble at every step.
No, my dear little child, I am not displeased – why should I be? I understand your difficulties and I know your goodwill; I know that you want to do well, that you want to conquer, and that you aspire to overcome the weaknesses. When they come, you should not think that I am displeased, but on the contrary that I am always with you, supporting you, protecting you, encouraging you with an unvarying love and tenderness.
My dear child, I am always with you to help you and protect you. Do not allow yourself to be dominated by vain imaginations. The peace is there in the depths of your heart; concentrate there and you will find it. Love from your mother. Page – 148 My dear sweet mother, Transform my whole nature. I shall be what you want me to be. Give me your peace, your silence in my heart. I cannot express everything in words, but, mother, you know everything.
Yes, I understand you very well, my dear child, and my affection is always with you and it wants you to have a vast and lasting peace, a deep and luminous silence, a calm and concentrated force, and the immutable joy that comes from a constant contact with the Light. With all my love.
My sweet mother, I want a deep peace a very deep peace. I feel that I am always in your arms.
Yes, it is good to stay in my arms; there you will find the peace you aspire for so much, and also a repose from which the true energies come. My love enfolds you and embraces you always.
My sweet mother, Light, more light. Enlighten me. Now I know that you are the greatest power. My mother, take me into your heart, dissolve the obstacles.
My dear child, Always nestle in my heart which is always ready to welcome you, in my arms which are always ready to enfold you, and fear no obstacles – we shall dispel them all. With all my love. Page – 149 O my dear mother, Take me into your heart. No, no, I don’t want these miserable falsehoods. Take me into your heart.
I am always taking you into my heart, but what can I do if you run away from there? You must remain quiet in my arms if you want me to be able to help you.
Mother, Make me more peaceful.
Each time that you feel restless you ought to repeat, speaking inside yourself without exterior sound and thinking of me at the same time: “Peace, peace, O my heart!” Do it steadily and you will be pleased with the result. My love and blessings.
My dear child, The peace is upon you; allow it to penetrate you, and in the peace you will find the light, and the light will bring you the knowledge. With all my love. Your mother.
My dear child, How happy I shall be the day when you always feel strong and happy in all circumstances. With all my love. Page – 150 |