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Marriage and Children
To unite your physical lives, your material interests, to become partners in order to face together the difficulties and successes, the defeats and victories of life − that is the very foundation of marriage, but you already know that it is not enough. To be united in your sensations, to have the same aesthetic tastes and enjoyments, to be moved in common by the same things, one through the other and one for the other − that is good, that is necessary, but it is not enough. To be one in your deeper feelings, to keep a mutual affection and tenderness that never vary in spite of all the blows of life and can withstand every weariness and irritation and disappointment, to be always and on every occasion happy, extremely happy, to be together, to find in every circumstance tranquillity, peace and joy in each other − that is good, that is very good, that is indispensable, but it is not enough. To unite your minds, to harmonise your thoughts and make them complementary, to share your intellectual preoccupations and discoveries; in short, to make your sphere of mental activity identical through a widening and enrichment acquired by both at once − that is good, that is absolutely necessary, but it is not enough. Beyond all that, in the depths, at the centre, at the summit of the being, there is a Supreme Truth of being, an Eternal Light, independent of all the circumstances of birth, country, environment, education; That is the origin, cause and master of our spiritual development; it is That which gives a permanent direction to our lives; it is That which determines our destinies; it is in the consciousness of That that you must unite. To be one in aspiration and ascension, to move forward at the same pace on the same spiritual path, that is the secret of a lasting union. March 1933 Page − 312 It was not at all a selection. I simply said that this girl looked the best of the three, that is all. In any case, marriage is not a direct way to prepare oneself for sadhana. It can be an indirect one if the outward nature needs troubles and disappointments to get rid of all worldly attachments, but in that case the experiment usually ends by separation and often a painful one, at least for one of the two associates. That is all I can tell you on the subject. 13 October 1940 In reference to the view of some modern social thinkers expressing fear of the possible breakdown and disappearance of the family system, You have remarked that this breakdown “was, and is still, an indispensable movement to bring humanity to a higher and broader realisation”. This raises some important questions which I state below for Your clarification: 1. Do You consider this dissolution of the family system indispensable only for the few exceptional individuals who follow some high mental or spiritual ideal or also for the general humanity?
Yes, only for the few exceptional individuals who follow some high mental or spiritual ideal.
2. If You advocate a complete dissolution of the family system for the entire humanity, do You consider it advisable for it to happen even before the new process of birth by direct materialisation has been normalised on earth?
More liberty and plasticity in the system are advisable. Fixed rules are harmful to evolution. Page − 313 3. Do You also consider the abolition of the marriage system as equally indispensable as the abolition of the family system for the higher development of humanity? So long as the new process of birth has not been normalised, would not the present manner of sexual procreation continue? In that case, would not some form of marriage relationship be necessary?
Marriage will always take place, but legal ceremonies must not be enforced, to avoid illegality.
4. So long as the new process of birth has not been normalised and the children continue to be born through the present sexual process, is not the family life and atmosphere best suited to their upbringing, especially in their early formative years? The other alternative is to provide for their care and upbringing through some other agency, like the State-nurseries, as was advocated by some Communist thinkers. But this view has not found many supporters, for it has been realised that the tender and affectionate care which the young children need could best be provided only in the intimate atmosphere of the family home by the parents. If this is true, then for the sake of the young children at least, would not the family be necessary, until the new method of birth becomes possible and normal in future?
Here also both things must be equally admitted and practised. There are many cases in which it would be a blessing for the baby to be separated from his parents. A minimum of rules. A maximum of freedom. All possibilities must have equal scope for manifestation, then humanity will progress more rapidly. 21 July 1960 Page − 314 You say that you could not bring up your children properly because although you are well-educated and cultured you have no time to spare for them, and that your wife has time but she is uneducated, uncultured, good for nothing. Will you tell me who is responsible for her condition? For more than twenty-five years she has lived with you. What did you do in these twenty-five years to educate her or give her your “culture” absolutely − nothing. Even the idea did not occur to you. You never thought that even if you had given her one hour daily for her education, it would have made a big difference in twenty-five years. For you she existed only as a machine to look after your comforts and produce your children. You could not take her into your confidence, you could not do anything for her improvement, but there you stand with all your vanity, blaming her for being uneducated and uncultured. I hold you responsible for all her shortcomings.
You want your children to do as you bid. What do you know of Truth? You want to impose your will because you are stronger. That way a giant can catch hold of you and you will have to do whatever he says. It is a most difficult thing to bring up children. I have not seen many parents who can do the proper thing. What right have you to impose your will on the children, you who have brought them into the world without giving any serious thought to their problems or making the necessary preparations?
Do not beat your children − It clouds your consciousness and spoils their character. 16 November 1968 Page − 315 |