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Leaving the Ashram
I do not advise you to go. As for X, under the circumstances you describe, it might be better for her, instead of her going, that someone comes here to help her. Can you arrange for that? Blessings. 25 February 1939
I did not approve much of X’s departure, but as for yours I disapprove of it completely, and cannot understand why you should abandon your work and interrupt and imperil your sadhana because she chooses to go back to her village. I do not find this decision either good or fair to yourself and your spiritual aspiration, so I hope you will look at it in this light and reconsider your decision. 3 May 1939 Certainly I do not want to make you miserable and if the pull of your conscience is too strong for you to bear I cannot prevent you from going. 4 May 1939
If you are convinced that a stay in your native place will bring relief to your body I cannot refuse my sanction. You can start on the 1st of June as you propose. 30 May 1939
X’s reasons for going are not very strong. But if the wish to go is so persistent she can go ― you are quite right in feeling that you should not go. My blessings. 5 May 1941 Page – 141 Mother, It seems Dr. X has expressed his desire to take the painters of the Ashram to Gingee Fort. For myself, I wish to let you know that I am not anxious to go. I would only care to go if you think it proper for me to go and wish me to go. It is not with me a desire. I always wish to do what pleases you and so I seek your advice and wish you would kindly express your opinion without reserve and hesitation. It is with me a greater pleasure to fulfil your wish and follow your words than satisfy a desire. With Pranam.
It is better not to go; this kind of trip is not very wholesome for spiritual life. With my love and blessings. 24 December 1940
You can go see your father ― but I would like you to go only when the school closes, that is to say after the second of December, and come back before the first of January when the school reopens ― as the lessons must not be neglected. With my love and blessings.
It is hard for me to understand how X who had been so absorbed in Yoga for years, who had been considered by you to have the nature of the Saints, could drift away from you and have a fall from the Yogic life.
The mistake in your psychology is its excessive simplification. You look at one side and with exaggerated emphasis and ignore the rest. Page – 142 A person may have certain qualities but not to perfection, and there is in the subconscient the very contradiction of these qualities. If one does not take care to eliminate this contradiction, then at any moment under the pressure of circumstances what is in the subconscient may rise up with force and bring about a collapse, what is called a fall from the Yoga. 30 November 1943
If a person who was declared by you to be “saintly” in nature could come away from a yogic life of many years, I can’t help feeling quite sad and discouraged.
I may point out to you that nothing irreparable has happened. Of course the further one wanders away from the path, the more radical will be the conversion needed to return to it; but the return is always possible. 22 December 1943
Surely the Mother knows that a certain person is of a type that would rebel or vegetate and, in either case, go away from the Ashram. Knowing this, why does she allow such a person to stay in the Ashram for several years? Why does she not tell him that his stay would be useless or that he can leave at any time he pleases?
Because, to each one is given his full chance, and there can always be an unexpected opening and a conversion. 24 June 1958 I have received and read your letter. It might be better to clear up a few points. Page – 143 First, it is always unwise to expect gratitude from people, especially from servants. Second, when it is only the one who jokes that takes pleasure in the joke, it is called a bad joke. Finally, it is not necessary to attach any importance to the opinions of people because they are only the passing results of passing impressions; other circumstances and new impressions will easily change them. But to smooth the situation I find it wiser to change your quarters and let time ease the tension. However, I must add that if you feel unhappy here and the atmosphere is difficult to bear, I can in no way ask you to stay in spite of the ordeal. 7 October 1959 I see no point in your going to Tiruvannamalai unless you like tourism. 5 September 1964
Divine Mother, Should I return to America and organise the raising of money and spreading the Yoga for you and Sri Aurobindo? Or is this just my active vital talking? I don’t wish to back out of the fight here, if that is what my role is. But I’ve been getting the feeling lately that it might be in America. So what I’m really asking is – what is my role, and where is it to be played?
It would be far better for the work and for yourself if you remain here. 30 May 1966 Page – 144 My dear child, You are my son and I am your mother for eternity. Do not worry, I take the entire responsibility of your spiritual growth and you can live in the Ashram so long as you feel it your home and you sincerely consecrate yourself to the Divine’s Work. With love and blessings. 13 December 1966
The path is not an easy one. To remain here is possible only for those who feel deep in themselves that here is the only place in the world where they must live. This may ― (must) ― come to you ― but meanwhile it is better to go back to the world and see what it has to give you. I will be with you always in your aspiration towards a more true future. Blessings. 3 July 1968
Here there is the greatest possible field of experience, since it extends from the most material activities to the most spiritual regions while covering all the intermediary planes. Therefore if you feel the need to go away from here to have your “experience of man”, as you say, it is because you want to have the freedom to do all the foolish things you feel like doing, without being under the direct control of a truth-consciousness which would show you that they are stupidities. The true experiences that are needed for individual progress do not depend on circumstances or on the environment in which one lives, but on the inner attitude and the will for progress. Page – 145 If you want to find your soul, to know it and obey it, remain here at any cost. If this is not the aim of your life and you are ready to live the life of the immense majority of men, you may certainly go back to your family. X wants to know whether she can take up this life or has to go for the ordinary life. The fact of her being here proves that there is an aspiration somewhere in her being and with help the aspiration can spread in the whole being. As for your question, “Where do you fit?”, the world is full of people like you, so you would fit quite well with the world, if ― for there is an if ― if you were not divided inside yourself. The cause of all your trouble is that you do not fit with yourself, or rather that your exterior being and its actions do not fit at all with your soul, and as your soul is sufficiently awake, it is this clash in you that puts you in difficulties. Once one has an awakened soul it is not easy to get rid of it. So it is better to obey its orders. This advice is the best help I can give you.
Could it be that you are a little impatient about what you consider as a slow advance? Is it that you are restless and eager to taste soon the fruit of your efforts? Moreover I cannot see how to be plunged again, even for a Page – 146 few weeks only, in the very atmosphere which is responsible for the thickness of the surface-crust through which your soul has to pierce to make itself felt exteriorly, can in the least help you to get rid of the “clinging impediments”. You are quite conscious of the aspiration and the aim of your soul; you are quite conscious of what your soul wants you and expects you to become. It is only some consequences of this present physical formation that stand in the way, and now, it is only a steady and patient working out of these impediments that can solve the difficulty. So, from the yoga point of view, any “taking leave” would be a kind of “giving way” to the obstinacy of the resistance. This, for me, is quite clear. But are you quite sure that there is not the remembrance of an attachment lurking in some corner of the mind which makes you answer unknowingly to the insistence of a pressure coming from outside? In that case the problem would have to be considered from another angle.
It is obvious that your inner being is not very strong and does not have the power to counteract the pernicious influence of an environment full of sterile doubts, defeatist pessimism, egoism and unfaithfulness. Our path is not easy, it demands great courage and untiring endurance. One must work hard and make a great effort with quiet stability to obtain results which at times are scarcely perceptible outwardly. There are many human beings who need to roll in the mire in order to feel the necessity to cleanse themselves. If the desire is too persistent for you to have the strength to overcome it, ask the people you know to find you a post (this is usually not too difficult for the young people going out from the Ashram) and go and face the ordinary life until you learn Page – 147 the true value of the life you would have left. One must have heroism to be a precursor; for, generally, men have faith only in what is already accomplished, evident, visible, and recognised even by the most sceptical.
I shall be sorry to see you go and hoped it would not be necessary. But if you are feeling so miserable and so little sure of yourself, it might be better to go for awhile and recover your poise. I will leave the door open for you and as soon as you become strong enough, you will come back. My blessings are and will always be with you. And if next time you can come for the yoga and to lead the divine life, then everything will become easy.
I am happy if your stay here has widened your vision and understanding and deepened your consciousness. Page – 148 |